Finally, a site on the Internet where somebody complains about things! Usually the fact that criminal justice majors make me cringe.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Today....

I'm thankful for a dad who is still happy to help me fix furniture and diagnose my car ailments, despite me now being thirty.

I'm thankful for a mom who has supported me in everything I have ever wanted to do, even if I have a tendency to not finish it.

I'm thankful for a sister who is basically a female version of me, and who is therefore just about my best friend, and who I can talk to about anything.

I'm thankful for a brother in law who can put up with a female version of me.

I'm thankful for a nephew who idolizes me for reasons I have never been entirely clear on but am still grateful for.

I'm thankful for a niece who is easily enough entertained by me that I can make her scream with laughter just by making a Fisher Price man jump off a table and feel like a good uncle.

I'm thankful that for all my petty whining and complaining, life has yet to throw anything at me that I truly can't handle, and that my family continues to put up with me.

What are you thankful for?

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Not that anyone asked, but below is pretty much the extent of the external damage that deer inflicted on my car.



Yes, that is also the last earthly remnants of said deer embedded in the bumper. Is it grisly that I kept a few strands (and then lost them)? Hey, it's the closest thing I'll ever probably come to hunting.

Plus that deer did net me about a thousand bucks and a new starter for my car, all the expense of a few small cracks in the bumper. Some deer get their heads mounted over a rich guys fireplace. This one got a picture of a tuft of it's hair caught in my headlight posted on a blog read by four people.

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Do it for the kids!

A while back, on Facebook, I posited the theory that soccer was America's national charity. It was the gift we give to the rest of the world. I don't mean we invented it, I think it was invented by Irishmen or Aztecs or something. Rather, it is the one facet of life where we are willing to let down our total dominance and let other countries have a day in the sun.
When the US loses to Equatorial Guinea in the World Cup, it's not embarrassing. It's like when Tom Brady is playing touch football with his little nephews at Thanksgiving. He lets them tackle him, everybody has a warm laugh and the kids feel great. And Tom doesn't mind that he got got sacked in a meaningless little game, he's still got three Superbowl rings and a supermodel wife. (This theory may not apply to women's soccer as I'm told our team might actually win games, but honestly who has the time to find out?)

Now we've got the hub-bub over President Obama winning a Nobel Peace Prize after less than a year in office. I really don't care about any of that, but what does interest me is a thought that occurred during all the resulting arguing.

Apparently our national sports charity has an egghead equivalent too, so our countries brightest and most pretentious can join our fastest and floppiest in boosting the world's self esteem. I refer of course, to the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Consider: The Nobel prize for Literature has been awarded to 102 individuals. Of those, 9, or less than nine percent of the winners has been from the US. No American writer has won the award since 1993, when Toni Morrison beat down Ōe Kenzaburō in the Nobel Finals to take home the big gold statue. (Kenzaburō would get his revenge however, and win it all the very next year. Also, I may have embellished some details.)

In the years since, American writers have graciously stepped aside for such as luminaries as Dario Fo, author of The Devil with Boobs and Orgasmo Adulto Escapes from the Zoo, Gao Xingjian, who of course won for France and "V. S. Naipaul" who is obviously just made up.

This year, the award went to Herta Müller, whose works "refuses to let the inhumane side of life under communism be forgotten". That sounds very deserving, and I'm sure she's an amazing writer, but I think we all know if the prizes were being handed out on a level playing field, she would have been beaten out by a Cracked.com article on "Six Amazing Breasts That Are Also Knives".

Now, compare this to every other Nobel category. After picking up nine "Nobies" this year, the US has won 322 total Prizes. (Or 320, depending on which source I should. I'm sure not going to do the counting myself.) Economics? We've taken that bitch home 45 times. (So have the tea-taxing limeys, but I suspect that's because our shared language makes it easier for them to copy off of us.) Chemistry, 61 wins. Not even Madame Curie can push France past our total chemical domination. Physics? 85 Nobel Prizes. It's like we can just make up any shit we want, and they'll give us a prize for it. But the real kicker? The Nobel Prize for Medicine has gone to the sweet, sweet USA 93 times. Or, 91 more times than all of Africa and South America combined. Yeah, suck it developing world. You might win a Nobel Prize for Literature for your "haunting poems about growing up on a coconut farm and speaking truth to power" but we're reanimating dead corpses while you try and figure out how a Band-Aid works.

Hell, despite our apparent love of blowing shit up, we've still won the granddaddy of them all, the Prize for Peace 29 times. (Or, 29 times more than the savage barbarians of New Zealand and Portugal have.) In total, we've taken home over two hundred more medals than the second place United Kingdom. (Although nothing can take away from the fact that the Brits are a super bunch of guys who give it their all every time out!)Heck, even blatant homerism can't push Sweden past ten percent of our grand total. And the next time your Latvian buddies are going on and on about their folk songs that date back over a 1,000 years, ask them why they haven't won a Nobel Prize in 100 years. Then push them in the mud.

In summary, I'm not bothered by the narrow-minded bigotry and short sightedness of a pack of Eurotrash voters handing out a stupid book prize we didn't want anyway. And I'm definitely not bothered by President Obama's seemingly unlikely victory. I don't think he should decline it, as some have suggested. Hell, I think he should accept it, smile, turn around and throw it over his back, wedding bouquet style into the African delegation. "Remember! The one who catches it will be the next one to get a developed economy!"
_ _ _

Friday, November 13, 2009

Thank you for clearing up that misconception!

So there was debate raging at my second home of sporcle.com over the veracity of a listing of the countries that imbibe the most alcohol per capita. (This is as close as I get to partying these days.)

It seems the big sticking point was the absence of Russia from the top 20. Lots of people simply refused to believe this was possible, and voiced their opinion on the subject because "everybody knows that Russians love to drink."

One Russian user took considerable exception to all this talk, and tried to set other users straight. As he explained it: "I am tired of hearing this talk about how much us Russians drink. It is just an ugly stereotype. If you ever come to Russia you will know that we aren't like that. Most people here are very poor and can not afford to drink all day. Please stop spreading these negative views because that is not what we are all like!"

Whew. I'm so glad I can now update my stereotype of Russians from "alcoholics" to "would like to be alcoholics, but are too poor to do it full time".

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Sunday, November 8, 2009

The only political post I will ever make on this blog

Like many twenty-somethings I spent the middle portion of this decade obsessed with politics. 9/11, the Iraq war, the Bush presidency in general, the explosion of the blogosphere, they all combined to create a perfect storm of intense political interest for me. Naturally though, after 4-5 years of talk radio, online forum trolling and hitting 'refresh' on Instapundit every 6 minutes, I got a little burned out. By the time McCain/Obama '08 rolled around, my attitude could largely be surmised as "OK, fine, just get it over with."

Not much has changed a year later. I'm largely indifferent to which party is actually in control right now; I've become far too self-centered and focused on my own problems to pay much attention to the bigger picture. Still, I couldn't help but notice this article a few days ago. The gist of it is, hardcore conservative activists (you've probably seen them at those Tea Party thingies everyone's been talking so much about) are planning to primary about a dozen high profile GOP candidates in 2010. All this in the wake of their great success in the NY-23 special election.



That's the race where conservative activists achieved great success when they pushed GOP nominee Dede Scozzafava (who judging from the picture above, I believe is a 19th century British sailor) out of the race. She then went on to endorse the Democratic candidate over the Conservative candidate, leading to the Democrats winning a congressional seat they hadn't even bothered running someone for as recently as 2002. I suppose in American politics, this actually does constitute a smashing success for third parties. They now plan to repeat this tactic across the country.

Now, like so many other disillusioned youths (I'm still young! I'm only 30!) I wouldn't mind seeing third parties become more viable in the US. And it's aught to me if conservatives (or liberals) want to shoot themselves in the foot, electorally. I just can't help but feel like conservatives are going to be slightly disappointed in the end results.

Consider it like this. Let's say you're a die-hard Philadelphia Phillies fan. You're watching your beloved Phils in the World Series against the hated Yankees. And you are deeply disappointed in the performance of Ryan Howard. He's supposed to be the centerpiece of your offense, but he just keeps striking out! What an MVPINO (Most Valuable Player in Name Only). So as a fan, what are your options? Well, I can think of three viable tactics.

1. Call in to every sports talk show you can, demanding Charlie Manuel replace Ryan Howard with a more conservative, I mean better hitter. Write frothing letters to the editor, even editors that have nothing to do with sports. Blog, poorly. Ignore the fact that whoever replaces Howard is unlikely to do any better.
The upside of this is that you get the satisfaction of venting your spleen, without having to do too much work. The downside is that you need plenty of like-minded allies to all do the same, lest you simply be dismissed as a crazy nut. And we all know that if there is one thing we don't stand for in American politics, I mean baseball, it's crazy nuts.

2. Begin a rigorous workout program to get yourself into world-class shape. Campaign the Phillies front office to give you a tryout, then deeply impress them with your raw ability once you get it. Enter the Phillies farm system and through years of hard work, sacrifice and dedication, become the organization's top first base prospect. Get called up to replace Howard in the World Series.
Upside: You've worked within in the system and now you will get the satisfaction of changing it for the better yourself. Not like that lazy, liberal strikeout machine Ryan Howard. Downside: This would be really, really hard. Also, you would need to bend the laws of time to make it happen.

3. The next time Ryan Howard comes to bat, jump onto the field, run into the opposite batters box, and start swinging at every pitch the Yankee pitcher throws. Clearly Howard cannot be trusted to power this team's offense anymore, so take matters into your own hands. Granted, Howard will be so distracted it will probably just make things worse for him, and by extension, better for the Yankees, but somebody has to do something, damnit. Also, I'm not sure why the umpire is allowing this, but ignore that lest my analogy fall completely apart.
The upside: You look so cool to your fellow hardcore Phillies fans. And you sent a message to those fatcat, overpaid, latte-sipping, alleged "All Stars". Hit a home run in every at bat or we will destroy you!
The downside: The Yankees just won the World Series and passed universal health care.

Is this topical? I don't even remember what I was trying to say when I made it.

In summary, the smartest thing for conservatives to do would be to enjoy watching politics on TV, make some trades to strengthen their bench in New England and recognize that you can't castigate someone solely on the small sample size of a single playoff series. I think. I kind of lost the thread of what I was talking about here.

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Saturday, November 7, 2009

YUM

Ever wonder where the delicious taste of those breadsticks from a certain red-roofed pizza company comes from? Well thanks to the magic of camera phones, now you know.


Buttery Flavored Oil. It's practically butter!™

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Friday, November 6, 2009

Not Tim Lincecum!

In the least surprising baseball news since "Goddam Fucking Yankees Win Another World Series" Tim Lincecum has apparently been caught smoking pot.

Shocking!

According to reports, Lincecum was busted for possession while driving-

An officer approached Lincecum's 2006 Mercedes and smelled marijuana as the pitcher rolled down his window. Schatzel said Lincecum immediately complied with a request to hand over the drug and a marijuana pipe from the car's center console.

For me, the most surprising part of this whole story is that Tim Lincecum drives a 2006 Mercedes. You would think the best left handed pitcher in baseball (to hell with Johann Santana, the dirty, New York-going to traitor) could afford to drive a 2010. I mean, he even did that one commercial, for that one video game.

The best part of the story though is the police spokesman describing how much pot he was caught with-

"It's not really out of the ordinary. It happens every day," Schatzel said of the volume of marijuana Lincecum handed over. "It was about the size of a thumb, the whole thumb."

That is a beautiful description. In every drug bust story from now on, I want the police to use body part comparisons to say how much contraband they seized.

"The FBI today raided an abandoned warehouse in Fresno, breaking up a major drug smuggling operation. A spokesman for the Bureau said they seized "at least sixteen legs of heroin. Whole legs, mind you."

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

I'd settle for a modern laundry room

Back to looking for apartments in St. Paul. I happened across one that seems to offer a...unique service.



Is this one of those aspects of city life I am just going to have to adjust to? At least I'll have somewhere to store my bike.

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Friday, October 30, 2009

Just once....

Not every time, but once, I would like to listen to a baseball game on AM radio and not hear the thing where the local station goes to an ad break, and plays commercials over the ESPN update. Really, just once I would like to hear this happen.

"And after five innings, we're tied 3-3. Back after this."

"Did you know that since 1954, Grundlemeyer Seed and Compost has been putting..."

"....Coach Jim Zorn in the hot seat, after remarks that the teams cheerleading squad should..."

"....buy nine tacos and get the tenth taco for just...."

"....145 million dollars over seven years. Yankees management say the corpse of Don Drysdale should..."

".....bring charm and class to your bathroom for a reasonable price. And don't worry if..."

"...Mark Prior's arm is now reportedly hanging from the elbow by a single ligament following a botched surgery by...."

"...a new, full sized corn thresher, which can be yours for just..."

"....batteries, hot dogs and several pounds of fish. Phillies left fielder Raul Ibanez said Yankees fans also threw..."

"...valuable coupons for Liquor Mart. That's right, erase the crippling worries of today's troubled economy when you are..."

"...named Major League Baseball's Man of the Year, thanks to...."

"....more than thirty years of experience hunting and killing rodents. Let our family of trained weasels..."

"...build a brand new retractable-roof stadium, to replace last year's stadium, or they would move the team to..."

"....the darkest, most haunted corners of your soul. Come to First Presbelutheran Church and hear the true word of God and his plan for...."

"....Alex Rodriguez being a great big pussy. Rodriguez responded by..."

"...replacing your worn out brake pads just in time for winter. And now..."

"...back to the game..."

Actually on second thought, I hope that keeps happening.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Now I remember why I hate watching post-season baseball on FOX

While interviewing the Phillies pitching coach, one of the announcers described Game 2 starter Pedro Martinez as a "legitimate guy". So I guess it's good to know there won't be a cardboard cutout on the mound for the Phils tomorrow.

Also, Cliff Lee was described as having a "face dripping with confidence".

Whenever I read about a World Series played in the 50's or so, the games are always described as having been played on a "crisp Autumn day". I long to see a World Series game played in "crisp" weather. I can't remember the last time I saw an East coast game that wasn't dark, cold and rainy. I guess that's what happens when you have a World Series that now wraps up after November elections.

On the plus side, Cliff Lee's insanely nonchalant catch might have been the funniest thing I have ever seen in a baseball game.

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The problem with being me

Do you have one of Those Guys at work? You know That Guy? He casually drops an n-bomb into conversation about what's on the radio, or tells President Obama jokes that make you squirm just a bit too much.

Well, I'm not one of those guys. I swear! I have come to the conclusion that I am far too unfocused and thick to be one of those guys. I don't think I've ever said anything truly racist/sexist/malicious, but my myopic inability to read a room leads to my share of awkward moments. Long, drawn out, train crash like awkward moments.

For example, there's a a few Nepalese guys I work with, who are also studying at SCSU. Being me, these are the kinds of conversations I will have.

Me: So, Nepal, huh?

Perfectly nice Nepalese guy who is probably studying to be an engineer or pilot or something: Yep.

Me: So uh, if I needed to climb a mountain you could help me with that?

PFNGWIPSTBAEOPOS: Uh, sure....

Me: But if I wanted to keep a royal family alive, I would probably want to go elsewhere, huh?

PFNGWIPSTBAEOPOS: What?

Me: (covering face with hands) I don't know! I was just trying to talk about things I thought you would be interested in!

Fortunately, when you're big and goofy looking, people tend to be forgiving. In that sense, as far as being That Guy at work, I'm pretty much Kevin from The Office.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

OK, quick rider to completely undermine the point of my whining in the previous post.

The year is 1986. I'm in the second grade at Lone Tree Elementary at Beale Air Force Base in California. We had a guest speaker that day, who told us all about goals in life. Specifically realistic and unrealistic goals.

At the end, she went around the room and had us all say what we wanted to be when we grew up. So, this being mere a classroom on a military base, mere months after Top Gun came out, you can guess what pretty much every single boy in the class said. As she went around the room, one kid after another cheerfully replied "F-14 fighter pilot!" to which she would smile, nod and say "OK" before going on to the next kid. But when it got to me I stood up and excitedly said "Major league baseball player!"

Without even missing a beat she calmly said "That's an unrealistic goal." and went on to the next kid.

So there. That's the reason I never made it to the major leagues. Not the fact that the last time I played baseball was when I was 12 and even then my primary method of getting on base was sticking my head in the strike zone. (Though that may explain some other things.)

In any case, suitably chastised, the next time we did such an exercise I lamely replied "marine biologist" or something because that's what the girl ahead of me said. I had learned my lesson. Dreaming is only for fools.

(Also, at any given point in the baseball season there are 750 players on major league rosters. How many F-14 pilots are there? Seriously, do you know? Because I bet it's less than that. The evil wench.)

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Monday, October 26, 2009

All your dreams will come true with COTTON

One of the advantages of not having cable (and never having bothered to get one of those converter boxes) is that I watch the few shows I care about online, without much commercial interruption. One of the disadvantages is that if the sponsor of said show is particularly irritating than the few commercial breaks can be just as tiresome.

Such is the case with The Office, which is frequently sponsored by Cotton, and their "Fabric of Our Lives" campaign. In one particular spot, a singer by the name of Jazmine Sullivan warbles a song which starts off about dreams and I guess ties into cotton eventually. I'm not sure, I usually zone out and do a quick Sporcle quiz during the breaks. In any case, it begins like so:

They said it was only a dream/
That dreaming was only for fools

OK, stop right there. Who? Who says that? In the 21st century what authority figures are still saying you shouldn't follow your dreams? I thought the whole problem with The Kids Today was that they have been gradually infused with super-self-esteem, and have come to believe that they are inordinately special and infallible. This isn't 1905 anymore. We don't see this scenario played out.

Child: Mother, father, I yearn to someday be a professional singer and have a song that peaks at 31 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Father: No. Your career options are coal mine and dying of consumption. Now, go clean the wheat field or whatever it is we do in 1905.

Also, is cotton the only natural resource that has it's own ad campaign? Like, I've never seen "Bauxite: There Must Be Something This Is Used For" or "Oil: Let's Just See You Try And Live Without It, Bitches".

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Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Being Tall

Pro- You can easily retrieve items from most tall shelves.

Con- Once you have demonstrated that ability, short people will assume you can do anything. A co-worker once asked me if I could pull down a box that was on a shelf about 6 feet above my head. I politely informed her I was tall, not Inspector Gadget.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

Zombieland




Saw Zombieland this week. I don't think I've read a negative review of the movie yet, and seemingly everyone in my age bracket is in love with it. I actually wasn't that impressed. Here's a quick rundown why-

It was short- 82 minutes, not even half an hour! Even at matinee prices I demand at least two hours from my movies. Otherwise, what's the point of getting vested in it?

Jesse Eisenberg- I'm sure everyone else has pointed this out, but it's really hard to watch this guy and not notice how bad he's trying to be Michael Cera. Like, they got Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray (um, retroactive spoiler alert) they couldn't afford Michael Cera? And when exactly did "not able to afford Michael Cera" become a thing anyway? I kind of assumed he would spend the rest of his career working for slices of pie on indie rom-coms. But speaking of Bill Murray....

Bill Murray- Yeah, the cameo was funny, but I think I would have liked it a whole lot better if the tough female lead hadn't suddenly gushed about how he had a "direct line to funny bone". For starters, do you really need to kiss Bill Murray's ass? There's only 82 minutes of film here, why spend any of it sucking up to one of your like 6 actors? Secondly, if you have to kiss his ass (in addition to Woody Harrelson kissing his ass, which was over the top and kind of funny) why did it have to be her? Why not the geeky male lead? That would have made more sense. And what were the odds of Bill Murray having a direct line to her funny bone anyway? Because I'm 30 years old and I don't know too many people my age who would actually say that. I mean, I wouldn't, and I'm probably a bigger Bill Murray fan than 98 percent of my generation.

Lack of zombie killing- It was my understanding that this movie was not just the ultimate zombie killing movie, but that it was wholly predicated on that action. No message on the evils of consumerism or science run amok or any of that shit. I thought this was supposed to be the ultimate movie about killing zombies. And the gory opening minutes seemed to bear that out. But then....very long stretches of time in which no zombies were even seen, much less killed. They found time to extensively trash a Native American gift shop though, which is not exactly what I paid to see.

Trailer for 2012- I broke my own rule, and came in during the middle of this trailer, so I'm not sure what the hell this was supposed to be about. They've made CGI movies about all the "good" natural disasters so now they're just saying "Screw it, the Earth is falling apart, or some shit"?

In summary, I give this movie two out of three disappointments.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Corollary to the previous post: I am seriously worried about the prospect of the Angels storming back, winning the ALCS and going on to win the World Series. I can barely stand to imagine the tidal wave of schmaltzy, feel good stories that our nations laziest sports writers and commentators have surely been saving up. "An angel was watching over the Angels!" "Everything all better, all wounds healed as Angels win World Series."

Oh God, does Jeanne Zeleasko still work for FOX Sports? I can only imagine what she would cook up during the on field post game interviews. "And as we go back to you guys in the booth, that's not rain falling on the field, it's Nick Adenhart crying tears of joy on his teammates below!"*

I can now think of only three good, viable outcomes for this whole affair.

1. The Yankees win the ALCS, and are swept in the World Series by the Phillies or Dodgers.

2. The Angels come back, beat the Yankees, then win the World Series which would be awesome both for them and Nick Adenhart's family. The media doesn't make a big, fat, hairy deal out of it, and lets the viewer recognize the weight and meaning behind the victory for ourselves because they respect our intelligence.

3. I am suddenly revealed to be the one true heir to all the thrones of Europe, inherit 100 billion dollars and never have to worry about things like baseball ever again.

At this point, I am pretty sure 3 is looking like the most possible of these options.

* I swear to God, she would actually say that shit. And if you've heard her before you know I'm not even exaggerating.

_ _ _

I question if this actually happened.

So I'm watching the Yankees swarming their way to their first World Series title since 2000, in the process once again making their fans more insufferable than Red Sox fans, and it occurs to me that I'm having a hard time rooting for the Angels to stop them. And through absolutely no fault of their own. Who do I blame? TBS. Who broadcast the Divisional Series between the Angels and Red Sox, and have given us several poignant video packages on Nick Adenhart and the effect he has had on the Angels team.

Adenhart, if you don't know, was a promising young pitcher for the Angels who was killed, along with two others, by a drunk driver earlier in the season. He was just 22 years old. (Incidentally, a fourth passenger in Adenhart's car survived, despite suffering "internal decapitation". Which I believe is the most amazing thing anyone has ever accomplished, ever.) This obviously was a very sad and traumatic experience for the team, as described during one of the Red Sox-Angels games.

During said game, the announcers in the booth threw to one of the sideline reporters who did a quick piece on how the Angels coped with Adenhart's death. He said they came together and realized they had two options. He gave the first option they considered, then the second one. The second was that they could go out and try and win a championship in Adenhart's memory. Unsurprisingly, this was the option they selected. So what was the first option? Apparently, they could go out, "play out the rest of their games, not really caring if they won or lost" and "nobody would blame them for it." Uh, yeah? Really? I am very curious if that's how that team meeting actually went.

Torii Hunter: ....so I think we should just go out there and play, like, whatever. I don't really care if we win or lose.

Jered Weaver: I agree. And I don't think anybody will blame us if we do.

Vlad Guerrero: (something in Spanish)


I mean, yeah I am sure it was very sad and disheartening and all, but did anybody seriously entertain the notion of just packing it in for the year? Or that "nobody would blame them" if they did? A franchise worth half a billion dollars, with a payroll of $113 million, playing in one of the largest media markets in the world, for fans who pay thousands of dollars for season tickets....and nobody would blame them if they just kinda played out the string for the rest of the year?

Seriously, a couple weeks of Juan Rivera slapping listlessly at pitches and Torii Hunter sighing dejectedly and jogging slowly after another line drive into the gap and the Woody Paige's of the world would be ranting and raving about how the Angels need to "cowboy up". And they would be right. And Woody Paige is never right.

So 'eff you TBS. You've made Woody Paige look correct in some alternate baseball universe and you made it hard for me to root against the Yankees. Eff you indeed.

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Because you were all wondering

I just got off break from school, which is why I haven't posted much lately. Not because of my sheer laziness, really, I just didn't have anything to discuss. Fortunately, after two days of classes I think I might have some real good prospects for future material.

Until then, the highlight of the week-old semester may have been my American Legal Systems professor discussing an intense, pre-test study session back in college with her future husband and a male friend, who she described as "the two guys who crammed me". Hee.

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Living here is nice, except for having to step over the rubble.



Hurry, rent this apartment before it falls into total decay. Come on, what the hell is happening in the kitchen there? And those closet doors don't seem to be partially open, I think they have MS.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Avant Garde Floorplans?

How can I find out what the living spaces are like at Seasons on the Hill Apartments?



Ohh, that clears it up. I assume the ovals are portals that take me from one room to the next. But what could that rectangle in the upper right hand corner of the living room be? A radiator? Gun cabinet? A giant block of cheddar? (If it is, SOLD!)

- - -

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Now let's talk about excessive force laws...

Castle Doctrine is the legal concept that when in one's own home, you are entitled to use deadly force to resist violent intrusion. Laws vary by state, but there typically has to at least be the presence of the threat of serious danger in order to use that deadly force.

Unless you're some of the people I have class with. Like criminal justice majors.

Instructor: So when is it acceptable to use deadly force in relation to the Castle Doctrine?

CJ Major: When somebody comes into your house without your permission.

Instructor: Soooo....if the neighbor kids throws his ball on your roof, and goes up to get it you could shoot him?

CJ Major: Well....yeah, I mean, you can. It's just frowned upon.

I suppose he's at least half right. Shooting kids who wander on to your property is generally "frowned upon".

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

I guess it's FOX, if you want to get specific

Just checking the keyword hits from my old, old blog. In between the usual "harold dieterle gay?" and "what noise does nixon make in futurama" hits, I saw this one:

who has a group of cooks shouting yes, chef on the hit show hells kitchen?

I believe you may be thinking of the hit show, Hells Kitchen.

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Friday, June 19, 2009

For those times I need cheering up....

If watching a midget in a gorilla suit get dropkicked into a dudes face is wrong, then damn it, I am wrong, wrong, wrong, and I love it.



This video has a horrible, hypnotic hold on me. If I see it once, I have to watch it at least twenty times through. It's a midget! In a gorilla suit! Getting kicked into somebody's face! What could possibly be more enthralling?

_ _ _

Sometimes massage therapy majors make me cringe too

I have a Medical Terminology class I share with students in a number of other majors. (I'm the only law person in it) In this particular class, at the end of the semester you may drop your lowest homework and quiz scores from your final total. Earlier this week, while discussing the upcoming final exam, a Massage Therapy student had this to ask:

Instructor: .....so be sure to be ready for the exam on Tuesday. Questions?

MT Major: When will we pick which quiz and homework score we want dropped?

Instructor: .......Ummmmmmmmm.

It was amazing. He was just utterly gobsmacked. And I didn't even have a fellow paralegal student to exchange patronizing, smug grins with.

_ _ _

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm just assuming he was a CJ major

Here's a tip for any prospective college students out there, concerning class etiquette. If you're eating a foot long submarine sandwich in the middle of class, and you suddenly drop it on the floor, yell out:

"Aah, goddamn my sandwich."

The placement of the comma is crucial here. Really demand that God condemn your sandwich to an eternity of hellfire and brimstone for the sin of getting dropped on the floor by you. And make sure everybody knows it.

This tip has been brought to you by the CJ Majors I Have Class With Every Goddamn Day.

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Yeah, it's a party now!

While listening to the radio today-

"KOOL 108! Playing the songs that make you feel good!

.....

A winters day/ In a deep and dark December...."

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

Now THAT would be worth advertising

Ad from my Facebook feed-




Sorry there 15th Century Mayan Indian, I don't know why you're looking for me but I can't help you with your conquistador problem.

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Friday, June 5, 2009

Look, if it wasn't one, then it's the other

Legal Terminology class. Our instructor passes back a recent quiz, and begins going over the answers, starting with the True/False questions.

Instructor: OK, number one, is true. Number two, is true. Number three, is false. Number four, is false. Number five....

Girl I assume is a CJ major: Wait, wait! Stop! You're going too fast! I can't write down the answers!

_ _ _

Monday, June 1, 2009

Is this topic on the syllabus?

Just to point out that yes, paralegal students sometimes say less than brilliant things during class-

During a discussion on product liability:

Instructor: Now, let's say I go into Best Buy...

Paralegal student: Oooh, good store!

Instructor: Um. Right.

And I don't mean he whispered it under his breath, as though he was so excited by hearing about Best Buy that he had to quickly remind himself how awesome the store was. No, the clear intention was "Hey everybody in class, this is my relevant opinion of Best Buy I'd like to share with you."

Why can't everyone be as flawless as me?

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Monday, May 25, 2009

Perhaps I would liketo meet this person

I was posting a link here on Facebook, as I am desperate for attention from my 144 friends. The validating words I had to type in to include the link? "Miss secreter".

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Up next, an expert in combing his hair!

I read the term "reality TV expert" the other day, used unironically in an article. I'm not a comedy writer, so I'm not going to try and make some hacky jokes about "How do you get to be a reality TV expert? Watching TV all the time?" jokes, but I do wonder how one gets to be a reality TV expert. Possibly by watching TV all the time?

Expertise on any subject of popular culture seems pretty fleeting to me. Even in sports. I mean, Peter Gammons is synonymous with 'baseball expert' but if you ever read his predictions, he's wrong all the time. Just like pretty much every other sports writer/talking head. Sports aren't like economics or physics, the best you can do is make an educated guess which is usually wrong. If baseball was like physics we'd all be floating off into the sky around the time the Cardinals won the 2006 World Series.

I was wondering if this kind of utter inability to predict the future also applied to "reality TV experts". Since I don't know too many, I turned to the best source I could think of, Television Without Pity. They just happened to have a relevant feature on one of the few reality shows I know anything about, Survivor. In this case, prior to the beginning of the most recent season, they assessed the odds of each individual competitors chances. Let's see how they did.

Brendan
Verdict: Sort of adorable, but his nice-guy attitude won't get him very far... no matter what kind of business savvy he may have. He needs to step it up and be more cutthroat or he'll be out early.
Odds of Winning: 50 to 1

Pretty good start! He wasn't "out early" but he did in fact prove to be insufficiently cutthroat when he let himself get voted out by the, ahem, "Warrior Alliance" while holding a hidden immunity idol. OK, not bad!

Candace
Verdict: This supposedly smart woman brought herself up from the street, got a scholarship to law school, passed the bar and then quit... to become a model. She's not long for this game at all. She'll probably flip-flop alliances and be gone before we can learn her name.
Odds of Winning: 50,000 to 1

And indeed, she was the first one from her tribe voted out. Looking good so far. According to the show she was an attorney, but as the site mentions she's a former beauty queen who quit the lawyer game to become a model. I'd like to point out that TWO other females this season were models (and they didn't even call them something else like waitress, they just called them models). So nearly half the women were "models", and a fourth was a former pop star. It also seems like every year on the The Amazing Race there is always a "model team". I'm guessing casting directors are not so much confused about the workplace makeup of America, and more interested in casting good looking media savvy people. But really, have any of these people ever been the slightest bit interesting? Every season, every show, "I'm beautiful, this food sucks, I've been eliminated".

Carolina
Verdict: She's utterly forgettable and a little too New Age-y for this game. Unless she gets with a strong alliance early on and they carry her through, she'll be gone before the merge.
Odds of Winning: 5,000 to 1

I think she was the first person voted out. Also, it says she's a bartender but I'm willing to bet she's done some "modeling" too.

Surely not a model!


Debbie
Verdict: She deals with teenagers all day, and she looks like she'd fit in on a new season of Real Housewives. She's kind of hysterical and really fun to watch, so we hope she'll go far. We hope she at least makes it until we get to see one of those handsprings.
Odds of Winning: 15 to 1

She did indeed acquit herself pretty well, finishing 6th and doing well in a number of different immunity challenges, winning once. She also became utterly loathed on the Internet, for reasons I'm not totally clear on, aside from close relationship with that one guy (which she belatedly realized was a bad idea) and the sin of having fun at 46, an age at which women should apparently just sit in a corner and knit.

Erinn
Verdict: We're bored of her already. She might stick around a while because people will forget she's there. Even she says she has no stand-out traits (though she tried to spin it as a good thing).
Odds of Winning: 1,000,000 to 1

Screw you Television Without Pity! Erinn was awesome, she finished in 3rd place and was the only one who would call that one guy out on his crap. You have no credibility with me now!

JT
Verdict: Sweetest little Southern boy ever, but there is no way he's gonna make it in this game. He sure will work hard... even though that never gets rewarded.
Odds of Winning: 100 to 1

Other than JT winning the game, never receiving a single vote in Tribal Council, getting every vote at Final Council AND winning the fan-voted $100,000, yeah this one was pretty right on.

Jerry
Verdict: We trust this man with a nuclear power plant, and he's kind of hysterical. We'd sure be afraid to vote him out. He's got all the required skills, just a matter of if the others think he's too big a threat and kick him to the curb.
Odds of Winning: 2 to 1

They probably couldn't have predicted him getting sick, but could they have predicted him pretty much just packing it in and asking to be voted out? Apparently not.

Joe
Verdict: Not especially memorable, which could allow him to fly under the radar, since he seems like he won't piss people off. He'll need to step it up in the end if he wants to win, though.
Odds of Winning: 30 to 1

They successfully predicted him being labeled "boring" failed to predict him being sent home for having a cut on his leg the size of a pencil eraser. (What? That's what I measure things in.)

Sandy
Verdict: She sure is nutty. She spent more of her interview talking about her pets than her kids and grandkids, and she contradicts herself with every other sentence that comes out of her mouth. She doesn't want to be the motherly type, but she does. We wouldn't be surprised if she was the first or second to go.
Odds of Winning: 5,000,000 to 1

I think she was like, 4th to go. At least she was a real person unlike some guy I could think of.

Sierra
Verdict: So if Sugar actually knew how to play this game? You'd probably get Sierra. Though she's still got all the flighty qualities of Sugar, she's got a little more savvy... though people may realize that Sugar-y girls aren't so sweet and be more wary of someone like her this time around.
Odds of Winning: 25 to 1

Model. Not worthy of the hatred she seemed to attract but not possessing of any particular skills or abilities either. Not sure what TWoP saw in her to rank her as that much better a pick than say, Erinn. Ability to cry and beg?

Spencer
Verdict: This young guy talks so fast that just watching him makes us exhausted, and he's already worried if he's going to be too hungry out there (teenage boys do like to eat). He seems determined and eager, but not nearly as underhanded as he needs to be to win.
Odds of Winning: 75 to 1

I guess I have to give them this one. When confronted with the possibility he might get voted out his attitude was pretty much "Maybe you could vote someone else out, but yeah, I probably deserve it."

Stephen
Verdict: His strategy seems to be similar to Ken, in that he's working the nerdy angle and is eager to get other people to do his dirty work. Which might work for a while, but if he starts losing challenges, he'll be gone.
Odds of Winning: 500 to 1

Lost plenty of challenges, including the one he most needed to win and still finished in 2nd overall.

Sydney
Verdict: Pretty blonde girl who doesn't really have a chance in hell.
Odds of Winning: 1,000 to 1

Model. Whatever.

Taj
Verdict: We already think she's got a better shot than last year's "celebrity" Crystal. She's funny and lively, and as long as she's actually able to contribute to the challenges, she'll do well. Especially if she follows the advice from her own book.
Odds of Winning: 7 to 1

I don't know what to make of Taj. She seems nice and she did better than expected but she also was clearly buckling under the stress and took her inevitable betrayal poorly. She also always seemed to be running in last/the first person out in individual challenges. Whatever, she did fine.

Tyson
Verdict: He thinks Jonny Fairplay played an excellent game, though thinks he has an advantage because he's stronger and better-looking. We hate him already. Ugh. How long did Ace and his pomposity last before he got blindsided? That's about how long we give this guy.
Odds of Winning: 100 to 1

Probably not the total jerk he came across as, it seemed like he wanted to play as an acerbic bad boy for the cameras. Lesson learned, if you're going to make yourself a huge threat don't go out of your way to put a giant bullseye on your back. Still, he provided the two best moments of the season, saying he would demand the other tribe call him "Coach" if he wound up with them and receiving the greatest motherfucking blindside in TV history. (I still watch that clip to cheer me up) The other lesson learned? Don't put your trust in a completely delusional moron. Which brings us to...

That guy
Verdict: If he can learn how to play the social aspect of this game, he should be unstoppable in challenges. As long as he makes it past the merge, he can go all the way.
Odds of Winning: 5 to 1

I'm not going to call him by his preferred moniker, because he's not a coach of anything anymore. And I won't call him by his real name, because that's my name damnit.
It's important to note the rest of his entry from this article breathlessly recounts his being attacked by a tiger shark, but makes no mention of butt eating Amazon pygmies. Now, they had him at 5 to 1, and he finished a respectable 5th. He also did fairly well in the individual challenges (after utterly dogging it in every team challenge). Well, except for the ones he opted to quit on or sit out in favor of eating pizza. But there was nothing in his totally non-fraudulent bio that could have predicted that happening, right?

In conclusion, I clearly make a better expert than the so-called "reality TV experts".

_ _ _

Saturday, May 23, 2009

It makes you sound more "law talky"

Here's a tip for CJ and paralegal majors alike. When you want to raise a point during a class discussion, it will go roughly 1,700% better if you don't begin it with "Nuh uh".

For example, try:
"Isn't it true that issuing a threat of bodily harm towards someone can constitute assault?"

As opposed to:
"Nuh uh, 'cause this one time my ex was like "Bitch, you crazy" so I charged him with assault and he's still locked up behind that shit."

In unrelated news, one of my favorite CJ majors expressed a preference for going into the State Patrol. Why?
"Because you have to do less training. Well, not less training, but you don't have to do as much."

Later in the class, we (and by 'we' I mean everyone including the instructor) were giving him tips on weaseling out of his inevitable first wrongful shooting. My advice, make sure to put lots of masking tape on the handle of the gun you plant to avoid leaving prints!


_ _ _

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

You'll never save Grandpa's farm, I mean join the force with that attitude!

Last week I was pretty sure I bombed the Westlaw portion of my Legal Research midterm. Tuesday I was pleasantly surprised to find out I got a 15/20 on it. Combined with my 54/57 on the written and 15/15 on the library portion, I ended up scoring a 91 percent overall. *pats self on back*

Not everyone did as well though. As the ramped up on testosterone and energy drinks Criminal Justice major next to me said to our instructor, while explaining why he left one question blank, "I was looking at that damn thing for like, five minutes, but I knew I wasn't gonna get it, so piss on it." Then he turned around and said the exact same thing to the guy sitting behind him. I imagine he repeated the phrase 5 or 6 more times throughout the day.


_ _ _

Friday, May 15, 2009

That is not what entrapment is

During a class discussion on entrapment-

Instructor: ....and that's why police aren't allowed to...

Criminal Justice Major: You know it's like, entrapment, if the cops wait outside a bar to give people DUI's!

Instructor: Well no, it's not really...

CJM: Yeah it is, because like, they're waiting for you to commit a crime!

Me: But you're going to commit the crime whether they are there or not. That's just smart policing.

CJM: Yeah it is, because like.....they're trapping you.

Me: ....................Yeah, you're probably right.


_ _ _

Saturday, May 9, 2009

My unabashed love of Criminal Justice majors

During a discussion on homicide and reasonable self defense-

Instructor: ....so you can only defend yourself in a manner that is appropriate to th-

Ultra-manly CJ major: Dude, it's like, a guy can be raping a girl, and she could fight back, and like scratch his eye, and blind him, and he could totally sue her for that! It's so messed up!

Class: .........

Me: Nnnnooooooooo....

(Although as my instructor is fond of saying, anybody can sue anyone at any time for anything. It's just a question of whether they would win or not. I'm assuming this guy meant the rapist would win that case. Also, this is not the same guy who asked about someone raping his wife when he only paid to have her beat up. Apparently all the CJ majors are just really rape-happy.)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Yeah, what if?

During a discussion on criminal conspiracies, the culpability of accomplices and the like, the following exchange took place.

Instructor: So if you hire someone to rob a bank and provide a gun for them to do so, and in the process they kill a guard, you could be found guilty of murder, even though you weren't there because....

Guy who sits at the back of the room: *hand shoots up* What if I hire someone to beat up my wife and he rapes her instead?

Class: ..........

Me: Yeah, what if that happens?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Floor plan by Timmy, age 6




Not so sure if I'll be checking in to this particular apartment, as among other things, there definitely appears to be something wrong with the kitchen. The stove (I think) is collapsing in on itself, the cabinet(?) next to is bulging out, and whatever the hell it is that's next to that seems to be rolling it's eyes in exasperation at the whole affair.

Also the toilet has a tumor.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Also

Note to the below: I've clearly been at this too long because I just looked at a complex on the map called Lexington Gardens and I read it, like three times, as Sexington Gardens.
I was pretty ready to break my lease.

I guess maybe they just wander around the halls and everybody can pet them?

I'm apartment hunting for a possible, theoretical move to the Twin Cities area. One apartment complex I looked at lists this under it's 'amenities' section.

-Cat Friendly Community Pets

What exactly am I to take from that?

Just once

Not every time, but once, I would like to look up something in my medical dictionary and not pass by the entry (with full color photo of course) for 'prolapsed hemorrhoids'.

Also, I just wanted to look up 'coagulants'. Was it really necessary to include a photo of the possible worst case negative symptoms they could have specifically on the human wang?

Finally, why is that every time the instructor brings up a term like 'colostomy' someone has to not only define it but keep talking about it way past the point of necessity? I was going to say it's always a non-trad student but fuck, I just remembered I'm a non-trad student now. So all the kids in my classes probably hate. At least in my case it's because I blow the curve on all the tests and not because I constantly relate every topic in class to lengthy stories on the stresses of picking up my kids from school.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The goggles do nothing!

While planning my path to a paralegal degree, I figured that branching out into multiple related fields would help my future employment prospects. For example, taking certain medical classes might aid me when dealing with cases involving say, worker compensations suits.

What I had forgotten was an unceasing tomb of horror a medical dictionary can be. I'll just be doing a little homework, happily leafing through it, looking for information on electrocardiograms and suddenly HELLO I AM A FULL COLOR HALF PAGE PICTURE OF AN INFLAMED PUS FILLED VAGINA.

"Hello" I say back to it. "Say, would you like my sex drive? I shan't be needing it anymore."

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Facebook is getting too personal

From an (apparently urgent)Facebook notification I received this morning. Name of friend has been anagram-ized for the protection of the possibly innocent.

"Crayon Merman compared some friends for Tools. Check out your result!"

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Will You Be Here Tomorrow? Companion Reader

If you enjoyed those charming Canadian PSA's of people falling through display cases and scalding themselves in hot oil, you'll love Will You Be Here Tomorrow? Read along with me as we explore the horrors of work safety circa 1977.



0:10 This music is pretty chipper for a company who's logo is guy with a broken arm, broken leg and a face that appears to have been smoothed off in a belt sander.

0:13 Copyright 1998??? Really? Because it looks to me like the cast of an 80's sitcom reminiscing over the times when they weren't constantly being slaughtered by improbable industrial accidents.

0:34 I guess this guy didn't think about what could happen if he stood right in a garbage compactor.

0:50 Warning: Stacking a ladder on top of a bunch of wooden pallets for an extra eight inches of lift may result in crash test dummies falling from the sky.

0:58 They don't show you the other part of that incident, where the canister Mr. Beard casually threw over the side landed on the head of a passing orphan.

1:04 You're looking awful smug about pounding in that nail there guy. I hope your hubris doesn't catch up with in a...

1:10 ....horribly improbable nail in the eye. OK, it just did. (However, that scene desperately needed an escalating crane shot while he fell to his knees and screamed "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy???"

1:25 Wait, where those two vignettes supposed to be related? Or was the moral of the second one "Don't be caught in random, out-of-nowhere explosions, dumbass"?

1:35 OK, there are undiscovered tribes of Amazon rain forest pygmies that know more about manufacturing than me, but if you asked "Is it a good idea to calibrate a lathe while it's spinning?" I would say "No, probably not, I guess. Are you retarded, I think? Maybe?"

1:45 The sleeve on my favorite shirt is ruined!

1:51 The driver is looking right at her! He's smiling about it, the sick son of a bitch!

2:15 HOLY SHIT, awesome move guy! And don't feel bad about the aftermath, not too many people would be willing to take a Death Rocket to the face for their boss. (Plus, if he had time to take his glasses off in between seeing the rocket and getting hit with it, he had time to get out of the damned way.)

2:36 Look at the way this guy is constantly looking around. 23 years in this factory has taught him that at any moment a lion might drive a steamroller through a wall and knock him into the vat of exploding rusty nails.

2:43 "If you come to this job at all, you're gonna get hurt. And by hurt I mean vivisected."

2:58 Who the hell was that guy at the beginning and what was that switch he threw? Notice how they didn't show his face. I'm beginning to be suspicious of just how accidental these "accidents" are. And remember, when a coworker is injured on the job, the first thing you should do is shake their neck vigorously to wake them up.

3:05 OK, watch the forklift driver here. "Wheeeeeeeeee!"

3:18 Chill out, I'm sure you can pick up some overtime cleaning up the blood around here. It must be up to your ankles by now.

3:27 Oh, that was your own fault for putting your hand back in there!

3:32 "But I did get these great prosthetic maimed fingers!"

3:35 I love that it suddenly throws to a kicky steel drum musical montage. "'Ey mon! True rasta no exceed recommended weight allowance while making tight turns, jah seen?"

3:59 Aaah! A caveman! Seriously, his face is like a black hole, no light escapes it. Don't worry though old man, I'm pretty sure nobody can get comfortable around that place.

4:12 8 years huh? I bet he's still got a majority of his original limbs, the cocky bastard.

4:30 And ultimately, we come full circle as the Random Factory is blown up by a guy welding. You just know this place had to be in some jerk-off small town in Maine and all the pieces of equipment were possessed by cosmic beings of unspeakable doom from another dimension and the souls of condemned killers. If you get my drift.

See, this is why I left the violently dangerous cooking industry and went into paralegal. Though knowing my luck, my first day on the job I'll staple my eyeball to a bear.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Keyword Olio

Much like the pubic hairs in my bathroom sink drain, search terms accumulate over the span of a couple months, and I'm not really sure why they're there. Let's take a look. (At the keywords, not the pubic hair.)

love your baby girl lyrics analysis "remember what your knees are for"
Don't get excited, she's just praying. Maybe praying she doesn't have to give too many more blowjobs to get ahead in Nashville, but still praying.

meaning of the song we rode in trucks
In the past, we traveled in trucks.

sitting on a bench in west town mall he sat down in his overalls and asked me
I assume this person was trying to find the name of the song "Waiting on a Woman", but given that ought to be really easy to discern from even a casual listening, I'd like to think there is something entirely different going on here. Like this guy was sitting at the mall when an old man sat down next to him and asked him if this boil looked infected. And he wasn't sure how to handle the situation so he tried Googling it but got grossed out halfway through and quit. Yeah, that would be better.

tim mcgraw songs cancer bullet for the kids
I might take a bullet for the kids, but a cancer bullet? I don't know.

country song about meeting in a bar and cancer
Your search has returned 650,000,000 results.

country song about losing virginity in a car under the stars
Is prom season coming up? Because I gotta tell you, that probably won't work as mood music.

hoho blah blah george strait
Pretty much my reaction to him too.

country song redone by british
Goddam limeys. Not enough they tax our tea, but now they're covering David Allen Coe? I bet it will come out all moody and atonal. And when one of the characters dies of cancer everyone will just act slightly put out and make droll observations.

for your country precious child take a bullet

Hmmm, if we were just to rearrange and add in a bit of punctuation-

take a bullet for your country, precious child!


Now that's a song I'd like to hear!

where is the west town mall mentioned in brad paisley's song
Tip: Now that the filming of his video is over, Brad Paisley is rarely found on benches in West Town Mall.

I'm a hot little number in my pick-up truck,daddy's sweet money dun jacked it up!
I believe you, you don't have to yell!

fat man in overalls singing a country song

Him?

Back again, naturally

I've moved my dozens of posts from my last blog here, and I gotta say, I am loving the stripped down Fire Joe Morgan style layout. Now to see if I will actually use this one.

Title refers to the fact that every major event of my adult life seems to have happened ten years before I was ready for it.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Motivational Posters

Since I like to stay on the cutting edge of Internet fashion, enjoy my personal entry into this particular wretched meme.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Keyword mania

I don't have thousands of readers. Surprise! I don't have hundreds, or even dozens of readers. Most days, I have "ones" of readers. That's OK though, considering I mainly started this blog as I can't go without outlet for complaining and the people at work were probably getting sick of hearing me piss and moan every time a new song comes on the radio.

But despite my low profile, people still occasionally stumble upon this place via search engines, as criticism of country music on the Internet apparently remains a surprisingly small niche.

With that, here's a few of the keywords people have used to (presumably) end up here.

josh turner asshole

A couple possibilities here. Firstly, I don't know Josh Turner. He might be a very nice man. I just know a couple of his songs really irritate me and the ones that don't generally put me to sleep. Still, that's not enough for me to indulge in calling him an asshole, I'm afraid.
If you were looking for anything else, I really can't help you.

taylor swift is ruining country

I can't stand any of her songs, but even I think that's going just a bit overboard. Let's curb our national love of buying on credit and our addiction to foreign oil, then we can see about deporting Taylor Swift.

carrie underwood before he cheats protagonist is psycho

Hell yeah! I'm not the only one who thinks so!

alan jackson one hand feel on the steering wheel song

No way, did somebody seriously mistake Taylor Swift for Alan Jackson?? Oh, that would pretty much be the best thing ever. I haven't been able to take Alan Jackson seriously for oh, about seven and a half years now.

taylor swift song, idiotic, scarlet letter?

I certainly think so. This person said it much better than I can though. Yup, apparently Taylor Swift is the village bicycle.

And now we're done.

Lookin' For A Good Time, Redux

I already hit on this one before, but something odd struck me the other day. Since the song is pretty much a straight-up prelude to random sex, it makes sense that it includes the following lines-

I sure love this conversation
The band is good, the music's loud
But would you get the wrong impression
If I called us a cab right now


But I noticed something. Listening to the song on 98.9 FM Wild Country, that verse gets changed just a little bit.

But would you get the wrong impression
If I asked you to dance right now?


Apparently the idea of two strangers meeting in bar and running off to hump becomes just a bit too salacious for ahem, "Wild Country" if you make mention of how said strangers intend to get home. I mean, I could see it if the line in question was instead "Would you get the wrong impression/ if I did a few Jag Bombs and a line of blow, then drove us home". But come on! They're being responsible. About that part of things at least.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Responding to the critics...or critic

This blog has received it's first hatemail! Or, hatecomment...or whatever you would call it. The point is, I'm finally doing some good, getting some attention, really rattling some cages down in Nashville. Or at least, rural Oregon in this case.

From my entry on Kristy Lee Cook's execrable 15 Minutes of Shame, I received this note from 'Larry' (Possibly Sony Music Nashville Vice President Larry Jacobs? I think maybe so!)

this song did make to top 40 charts, qndf is a great song.. I liked others on the album better, but whoever wrote this blog has no cloue about talent or music. Go back to sweeping floors. I am so sick of nobody's who have nothing good to say about anyone. Get a life.

First off, I will admit a certain confusion as to why someone would defend this song, as opposed to one of the other couple dozen I've mentioned thus far, some of which are legitimately popular, and the products of actual musicians. I mean, I really was under the impression that this song was some sort of exercise in mutual obligation between Arista Nashville and popular culture? Anyway, let me break down this complaint a little.

this song did make to top 40 charts

And Ice, Ice Baby was one of the biggest hits of the 90's, but we still all pretend we never liked it.

qndf

"Sorry, fell on my keyboard there for a second."

I liked others on the album better

I don't doubt there were 'better' songs on the album. That wouldn't be a particularly high hurdle to clear.

but whoever wrote this blog has no cloue about talent or music.

Really? You can listen to 15 Minutes of Shame and think "Yeah! This really does comes close to being in the neighborhood of the best music Nashville can and does put out!" Really? You're cool with someone this useless having a major career in country music? We really don't deserve any better?

Go back to sweeping floors.

Sweeping floors is not only a vital part of the economy, keeping our nations walkways orderly and debris-free, but it affords me ample opportunity to listen to country music. So thank you, I will go back to sweeping floors now!

I am so sick of nobody's who have nothing good to say about anyone.

Oh, I do believe I said Waiting on a Woman was "fine, whatever". Also, welcome to the Internet.

Get a life.

Duh, I have a life, it's called listening to this shit while I sweep floors.

Now we're done!

She's Country

She's a hot little number in her pick-up truck
Daddy's sweet money done jacked it up


That's amazing. Sixteen words into the song, and I already virulently hate the protagonist. Still, I'm not entirely sold on her representing the worst aspects of this country, maybe if we mentioned something about her being a drunken slut with no moral compass?

A hell raisin sugar when the sun goes down
mama taught her how to rip up the town


Close enough. OK, now how about a verse where she denies voting rights to minorities?

No? Alright, maybe next album. Till then, why not just throw out some random made up phrases to connect a couple of verses without losing your beat?

crazy mother trucker
undercover lover


Cool.

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

She wants a little farm and a yard full of kids
And one more teeny weeny ride before I take her home


Hee, I've got a teeny weeny ride for her.




No, wait

Sunday, February 1, 2009

River of Love

Hey, remember when George Strait was an interesting artist? Or am I just imagining that part of country music history?

Drift away from all these city lights,
might rock a little bit,
so hold on tight.
Let's get carried away with the gentle flow.
Might get caught up in its undertow


Again, perhaps I am confessing my ignorance of a certain subject, in this case boating, but isn't 'getting caught in the undertow' typically considered a bad thing? Like, isn't that term usually associated with news stories like "2 Drown at Beach Beer Blast" and "Getting Drunk and Swimming: The Silent Killer of Sexy Teens"?

Or maybe that was George's whole point? That he's trying to lure this unnamed lass into a moonlight boat ride for the express purpose of murdering her for the insurance money??

I've got the paddle,
I've got the boat.
Come on baby, I know she'll float.


A paddle to crack her skull open with before dumping her body unseen in a secluded lagoon?? George Strait, I'm shocked and kind of impressed. I actually sort of want to listen to your music now.

Everything is Fine

The most disappointing song on the radio today, bar none. Why?

I got a home down on the river
I’m married to the woman of my dreams
Got a good truck that gets me down the highway
Everything is perfect or so it seems


Every single time I hear the opening to this one, my ears instinctively perk up at the qualifier of "or so it seems". "Wow!", I think for a split second. Is this going to turn out to be a dark tale of drug abuse, sexual deviancy and general rural despair? Is Josh Turner secretly running a human trafficking ring out of his trailer? Does he owe his first born child to the local crime boss in order to pay off a meth-fueled gambling debt?

In short, no. Everything really is just fine in his life. They're going to have a fish fry. As it seems, everything is indeed perfect, and wildly uninteresting. I don't know why anybody needs to write a song about how unremarkable their life is, but thanks for getting my hopes up and immediately dashing them Josh Turner. You asshole.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

We Weren't Crazy

We headed out to California
everybody tried to warn us
said we wouldn’t make it any further
than that worn out Chevy would


The whole song has something of an 'in your face', 'we were right after all' attitude, but I'm not so sure it's warranted. I mean, your friends tried to warn you of the dangers of driving long distances in a run down vehicle? Isn't that kind of what friends are for? Why throw it back in their face? "Ha, we didn't crash and die on a deserted stretch of highway in Utah when our spark plugs or something exploded. Screw you people who were concerned about us!"

Interestingly, Josh Gracin never actually says if they did in fact make it out to California after all. They did break down "a time or two", so maybe they just got as far as Kansas as said, screw it, auto maintenance is hard.

Suggested alternate lyrics, to reinforce the song's theme.

Headin' out to the West Coast
Everybody tried to give us advice
Said make sure there's air in your tires
But we sure showed 'em
Drove all the way on just the rims
We weren't crazy!

Nothin' to Die For

You'd give your last breath to your wife
Take a bullet for your kids
Lay your life down for your country for your Jesus for your friends


I'm not exactly up on my Christianity these days, but is Jesus currently demanding blood sacrifice? Obviously there are still parts of the world where being a Christian can get you killed, but I question just how much Tim McGraw penetration there is in Indonesia, so the relevancy of this line is unclear at best.

Lay your life down for your country, for me and all your friends

Oh ho ho, thought you could slip that one by us, didn't you Tim? You come up with a plausible scenario in which I will lay my life down for you, then we'll talk.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

How Do You Like Me Now?

Toby Keith takes a lot of heat for some of his stuff, like Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (A song I like!) But long before any of that controversy, he was already proving he was pretty much a terrible, terrible person.

Yeah I was always a crazy one, broke into the stadium
And I wrote your number on the fifty yard line
And you were always a perfect one and valedictorian
So under your number I wrote call for a good time
I only wanted to get your attention
But you overlooked me somehow

Uh, yeah. I wonder how she 'overlooked' you after that? Possibly because, and I can only hope this is true, you were suspended from school for a month after that? I mean, I would just guess that Toby Keith is being playful and campy here, if not for the next part.

Then you married into money girl, ain't it a cruel and funny world
He took your dreams, and he tore them apart
He never comes home and you're always alone
And your kids hear you cry down the hall


Dude, WTF. Forget anything he's said or done since 9/11, how is this not the most jerk-ass thing anyone has ever said ever, in the history of everything? "Hey, your kids listen to your cry at night, but I'm on the radio! How do ya like that shit, bitch?" Uncool Toby Keith, uncool.

Not that I could ever stay mad at you.

Thanks to Jen for reminding me of this one.

Lie To Me

No, not a song, it's a new FOX show that I think debuts tonight. Look, I've seen ads for it during American Idol, a show that's produced Carrie Underwood, Kellie Pickler, Bucky Covington and lot's of other people I need to write more about. At least, I think it is, since I totally don't watch American Idol.

Anyway, if you haven't seen the ads, the show looks terrible, apparently combining the worst elements of CSI and House. In it, a quirky British actor and his team of sexy teens, who are probably talented but troubled, try to tell if people are lying or not based on which comical facial gestures they're making. Example: Tim Roth watches a senator being interviewed over some sex scandal or something, I don't know.

Interviewer: Have you ever been to a club called Centurion?
Senator: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. *looks absolutely guilty as hell, buries face in hand*
Tim Roth: He's lying!
Me: No way! How could you possibly tell???

Judging from other previews though, the show may be good for laughs.
Tim Roth: I have to stop this!
Some woman: *crying* You can't!
Tim Roth: *bangs fist on desk*
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA awesome

Also on the FOX TV shows front, just a hint for the makers of Bones, who I assume read this blog. If you have everyone in the show constantly referring to the sexual tension between the two main characters, it isn't sexual tension. It's just sex that's not happening.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Good Stuff

Well me and my lady had our first big fight
So I drove around until I saw the neon lights
Of a corner bar.
It just seemed right, so I pulled up.
Not a soul around but the old barkeep
Down at the end lookin' half asleep.
And he walked up and said, "What'll it be?"
I said, "The good stuff."

He didn't reach around for the whiskey;
He didn't pour me a beer.
His blue eyes kinda went misty,
He said, "You can't find that here."


"Ummm, OK. Really I could just use a beer and...what the hell man? Are you crying? I just wanted to get drunk! What kind of a bar is this???"

He grabbed a carton of milk and poured a glass
And I smiled and said, "I'll have some of that."


"Fine, I'll drink milk with you if you stop crying!"

I saw a black and white picture and HE caught my stare.
It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair.
He said, "That's my Bonnie,
Taken 'bout a year after we were wed."
He said, "Spent five years in the bottle,
When the cancer took her from me.


Like any good country song, this one rigidly conforms to Country Music's NDBDC Fundamentals (Never Dont Be Dying of Cancer).

He said, "When you get home, she'll start to cry.
When she says 'I'm sorry' say 'So am I'
And look into those eyes so deep in love,
And drink it up.
'Cause that's the good stuff.
That's the good stuff."


"That and heroin."

Also, how the hell do you know she's going to say she's sorry? Kenny Chesney is the one who stormed out of the house to go get drunk. I guess we just have to hope she also learned an ironic, but touching lesson about love at the same time. Like her big Samoan boyfriend came over and told her that "The real big cock is the rooster that crows every morning when you wake up next to the one you truly love. Or something."

In Color

I said, Grandpa what’s this picture here
It’s all black and white and ain’t real clear


"What's this picture here? It's all black and white."

"This picture...it's all black and white."

"All black and white."

I know the bar isn't always set very high in this genre, and not to be needlessly crude, but how big of a fucking redneck do you have to be to actually say something like that? Come on! It's a black and white photograph! If you're that much of a hick, shouldn't you be more confused by a magic picture makin' machine that done what makes impressions in color?

On the plus side, this stune does have a pretty low body count for a country song. Although I think we're supposed to believe tailgunner Ol' Johnny McGee (Who was a high school teacher from New Orleans) didn't make it back from the Big War. Frankly, I'm stunned there weren't any black and white photos of loved ones dying of cancer.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

We Rode In Trucks

Down where I born it was heaven on earth.
The Flint River washes that red Georgia dirt.
The sun sets slow and the stars shine bright.
We raised cotton, corn, a little cane, and kids.
You either lived on a farm or wish you did.
Jesus always walked close by our side.
Where I grew up, we rode in trucks.


And so on and so forth. The song, and accompanying video, testify to the awesomeness of growing up poor, rural and white, while driving around in enormous pickup trucks they have no practical reason for. "So Mr. 16 Year Old High School Junior, why exactly do you drive such a gargantuan vehicle? To drive the two miles to school and back? And drink beer out the back of on Friday nights? And to needlessly drive up the price of gas for the rest of us? Oh, OK, just wondering." Perhaps the chorus should instead say "Where I grew up/we helped fuck up the economy"

Also, why the heck does Luke Bryan sound so super serious, even mournful, as reminisces about his past of getting 3 miles to the gallon (city)? Because good news Mr. Bryan, you can still ride in trucks today! Even in the likely event you've lost your license to a DUI, you can still ride in trucks. Unless maybe now you live somewhere that requires you to take the bus everywhere, in which case, ha!

Still, I suppose his fondness for the now apparently unattainble act of riding in a truck is not surprising, given some of the other tracks from his album, including We Ate Cereal and Remember When (You Could Watch Television).

Update!

Important news, regarding the intepretation of the lyrics to Baby Girl!

I asked a woman at work who listens to even more country music than me about the meaning of that particular line. She immediately folded her hands into a steeple and said simply "Praying."

Praying! That never even occured to me!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Do You Believe Me Now?

Do you remember
the day I turned to you and said
I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you?
yeah
How he made you laugh
you just couldn't get what I was sayin'
it was my imagination

So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

Blah blah blah it goes on like this


Does she believe you now? Given that she is, by your own admission, now way across town getting boinked by this mysterious stranger, yeah I'm betting she does. What the hell is this guy's problem anyway? "Gee honey, I really don't like the way that guy is hitting on you." No wonder she broke up with you, you pussy.

Baby Girl

Black top, blue sky, big town full of little white lies.
Well, everybody’s your friend: you can never be sure.
They'll promise fancy cars and diamond rings, all sorts of shiny things,
But, girl, you’ll remember what your knees are for.


I've been hearing this song for a couple years now, and every time I just can't help but interpret that last line as a mother counseling her daughter that the way to get ahead in Nashville is to give lots of blow jobs. Which: Possibly true, but possibly also not great parenting.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I Saw God Today

I just walked down the street to the coffee shop
had to take a break
I'd been by her side for eighteen hours straight


No doubt those 18 hours of childbirthing have been rough on you.

I saw a couple walking by they were holding hands
Man, she had that glow
yeah I couldn't help but notice she was starting to show


Maybe she's just getting fat, you insensitive bastard.

Here

There's a place I've been lookin' for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors


"Sometimes I drove to those buildings
And other times I walked there with my feet
And once I took a helicopter
Once there I examined those places
With my eyes and ears
And my tactile senses"

Also, why the hell is Rascal Flatts so incapable of just doing normal songs? Every damn time I listen to one of their songs, I feel like Gary LeVox is sitting there next to me, poking me in the ribs, saying "Hey! You like this song? Wouldn't it sound great at your wedding/funeral/graduation/bar mitzvah?" Yeah Rascal Flatts, we get it, you want to be there at every important moment of our lives. I wonder if they have a touching ballad about a nervous 16 year old clumsily losing his virginity to his drunken prom date in the back seat of his older brothers Camaro?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Start A Band

The song is fine, whatever. What I hate is the way it is invariably hyped by radio deejays. "Coming up next, a joint effort from Brad Paisley and Keith Urban!" And they kind of raise their voice at the end, as if to create an air of mystery about what this amazing team-up could possibly be. Because I don't think there is anyone the least bit cognizant of country music who can't guess what's coming next.

"What's that?? Brad Paisley? AND Keith Urban??? Together? My God, what kind of musical masterstroke could this modern day Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings produce together? Some kind of unparalleled work of.....oh wait, it's Start A Band."

I am a little amused however by Paisley singing that he did indeed 'Start A Band' in part because it would take too long to get a law degree. Right, because initial concerns over the amount of time required in graduating from law school is what kept Brad Freakin' Paisley from obtaining a law degree.

All I Want To Do

Give me a kiss
from that Elvis lip


No.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Our Song

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
In the front seat of his car
He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart


TAYLOR SWIFT YOU HUSSY

Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know


Alright, I had to check fiver different lyrics sites to confirm what I thought I heard, and I really have to ask- If you are trying to avoid detection on the phone, why THE FUCK would that cause you to talk real slow? Seeing as how talking real slow will only require you to spend more time on the phone than necessary, it will in fact exponentially increase the odds of detection by mama. Plus, whoever you're talking to will think you're an idiot.

Taylor Swift's man-bimbo: "Soooooooo, honeeeeeeeey, doooo yoooou waaaant tooo seeee a moooooooooooooooooooovie?"
Taylor Swift: "What the fuck, why are you talking like that? Moron."
Taylor Swift's man-bimbo: "Ohhhhhh nooooooo! Mamaaaaaaaa!"


Note: Italics aside, the above exchange does not actually occur within in the song, and is purely hypothetical.

The real kicker to all of it is that if you just removed the damned 's' from 'slow', the line makes perfect sense.

Lookin' For A Good Time

Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5
And you’re just the girl to get that off my mind
You shouldn’t ‘ve worn that dress
You shouldn’t dance like that
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive


OK, calm down guy from Lady Antebellum who's name I could not possibly be bothered to look up. Just chill out, take a sip of your Zima and I'm sure that little heart of yours will be just fine.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Chicken Fried

If you've been near a radio playing country music in the last hour, you've probably heard this four times. One of those songs that might be tolerable if you only heard it once a month. But thanks to sheer, overwhelming repetition, I have come to not only hate it more than any other song, but the final part has actually caused me to hate America.

I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried


I've always been curious: What threat does Zac Brown perceive to this country that might cause him to sacrifice his chicken fried? Takeover by ultra radical Muslim extremists who will ban not just pork but poultry? If that's the price I have to pay to never hear this song again, so be it.

Oh well, maybe Zac Brown will get sent to prison for enjoying 'the touch of a precious child' a little too much, and the same thing will be accomplished.

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Paralegal studies and a goldfish attention span are not a good mix.