Finally, a site on the Internet where somebody complains about things! Usually the fact that criminal justice majors make me cringe.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I'd settle for a modern laundry room

Back to looking for apartments in St. Paul. I happened across one that seems to offer a...unique service.

Is this one of those aspects of city life I am just going to have to adjust to? At least I'll have somewhere to store my bike.

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Friday, October 30, 2009

Just once....

Not every time, but once, I would like to listen to a baseball game on AM radio and not hear the thing where the local station goes to an ad break, and plays commercials over the ESPN update. Really, just once I would like to hear this happen.

"And after five innings, we're tied 3-3. Back after this."

"Did you know that since 1954, Grundlemeyer Seed and Compost has been putting..."

"....Coach Jim Zorn in the hot seat, after remarks that the teams cheerleading squad should..."

" nine tacos and get the tenth taco for just...."

"....145 million dollars over seven years. Yankees management say the corpse of Don Drysdale should..."

".....bring charm and class to your bathroom for a reasonable price. And don't worry if..."

"...Mark Prior's arm is now reportedly hanging from the elbow by a single ligament following a botched surgery by...."

"...a new, full sized corn thresher, which can be yours for just..."

"....batteries, hot dogs and several pounds of fish. Phillies left fielder Raul Ibanez said Yankees fans also threw..."

"...valuable coupons for Liquor Mart. That's right, erase the crippling worries of today's troubled economy when you are..."

"...named Major League Baseball's Man of the Year, thanks to...."

"....more than thirty years of experience hunting and killing rodents. Let our family of trained weasels..."

" a brand new retractable-roof stadium, to replace last year's stadium, or they would move the team to..."

"....the darkest, most haunted corners of your soul. Come to First Presbelutheran Church and hear the true word of God and his plan for...."

"....Alex Rodriguez being a great big pussy. Rodriguez responded by..."

"...replacing your worn out brake pads just in time for winter. And now..."

"...back to the game..."

Actually on second thought, I hope that keeps happening.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Now I remember why I hate watching post-season baseball on FOX

While interviewing the Phillies pitching coach, one of the announcers described Game 2 starter Pedro Martinez as a "legitimate guy". So I guess it's good to know there won't be a cardboard cutout on the mound for the Phils tomorrow.

Also, Cliff Lee was described as having a "face dripping with confidence".

Whenever I read about a World Series played in the 50's or so, the games are always described as having been played on a "crisp Autumn day". I long to see a World Series game played in "crisp" weather. I can't remember the last time I saw an East coast game that wasn't dark, cold and rainy. I guess that's what happens when you have a World Series that now wraps up after November elections.

On the plus side, Cliff Lee's insanely nonchalant catch might have been the funniest thing I have ever seen in a baseball game.

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The problem with being me

Do you have one of Those Guys at work? You know That Guy? He casually drops an n-bomb into conversation about what's on the radio, or tells President Obama jokes that make you squirm just a bit too much.

Well, I'm not one of those guys. I swear! I have come to the conclusion that I am far too unfocused and thick to be one of those guys. I don't think I've ever said anything truly racist/sexist/malicious, but my myopic inability to read a room leads to my share of awkward moments. Long, drawn out, train crash like awkward moments.

For example, there's a a few Nepalese guys I work with, who are also studying at SCSU. Being me, these are the kinds of conversations I will have.

Me: So, Nepal, huh?

Perfectly nice Nepalese guy who is probably studying to be an engineer or pilot or something: Yep.

Me: So uh, if I needed to climb a mountain you could help me with that?


Me: But if I wanted to keep a royal family alive, I would probably want to go elsewhere, huh?


Me: (covering face with hands) I don't know! I was just trying to talk about things I thought you would be interested in!

Fortunately, when you're big and goofy looking, people tend to be forgiving. In that sense, as far as being That Guy at work, I'm pretty much Kevin from The Office.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

OK, quick rider to completely undermine the point of my whining in the previous post.

The year is 1986. I'm in the second grade at Lone Tree Elementary at Beale Air Force Base in California. We had a guest speaker that day, who told us all about goals in life. Specifically realistic and unrealistic goals.

At the end, she went around the room and had us all say what we wanted to be when we grew up. So, this being mere a classroom on a military base, mere months after Top Gun came out, you can guess what pretty much every single boy in the class said. As she went around the room, one kid after another cheerfully replied "F-14 fighter pilot!" to which she would smile, nod and say "OK" before going on to the next kid. But when it got to me I stood up and excitedly said "Major league baseball player!"

Without even missing a beat she calmly said "That's an unrealistic goal." and went on to the next kid.

So there. That's the reason I never made it to the major leagues. Not the fact that the last time I played baseball was when I was 12 and even then my primary method of getting on base was sticking my head in the strike zone. (Though that may explain some other things.)

In any case, suitably chastised, the next time we did such an exercise I lamely replied "marine biologist" or something because that's what the girl ahead of me said. I had learned my lesson. Dreaming is only for fools.

(Also, at any given point in the baseball season there are 750 players on major league rosters. How many F-14 pilots are there? Seriously, do you know? Because I bet it's less than that. The evil wench.)

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Monday, October 26, 2009

All your dreams will come true with COTTON

One of the advantages of not having cable (and never having bothered to get one of those converter boxes) is that I watch the few shows I care about online, without much commercial interruption. One of the disadvantages is that if the sponsor of said show is particularly irritating than the few commercial breaks can be just as tiresome.

Such is the case with The Office, which is frequently sponsored by Cotton, and their "Fabric of Our Lives" campaign. In one particular spot, a singer by the name of Jazmine Sullivan warbles a song which starts off about dreams and I guess ties into cotton eventually. I'm not sure, I usually zone out and do a quick Sporcle quiz during the breaks. In any case, it begins like so:

They said it was only a dream/
That dreaming was only for fools

OK, stop right there. Who? Who says that? In the 21st century what authority figures are still saying you shouldn't follow your dreams? I thought the whole problem with The Kids Today was that they have been gradually infused with super-self-esteem, and have come to believe that they are inordinately special and infallible. This isn't 1905 anymore. We don't see this scenario played out.

Child: Mother, father, I yearn to someday be a professional singer and have a song that peaks at 31 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Father: No. Your career options are coal mine and dying of consumption. Now, go clean the wheat field or whatever it is we do in 1905.

Also, is cotton the only natural resource that has it's own ad campaign? Like, I've never seen "Bauxite: There Must Be Something This Is Used For" or "Oil: Let's Just See You Try And Live Without It, Bitches".

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Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Being Tall

Pro- You can easily retrieve items from most tall shelves.

Con- Once you have demonstrated that ability, short people will assume you can do anything. A co-worker once asked me if I could pull down a box that was on a shelf about 6 feet above my head. I politely informed her I was tall, not Inspector Gadget.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009


Saw Zombieland this week. I don't think I've read a negative review of the movie yet, and seemingly everyone in my age bracket is in love with it. I actually wasn't that impressed. Here's a quick rundown why-

It was short- 82 minutes, not even half an hour! Even at matinee prices I demand at least two hours from my movies. Otherwise, what's the point of getting vested in it?

Jesse Eisenberg- I'm sure everyone else has pointed this out, but it's really hard to watch this guy and not notice how bad he's trying to be Michael Cera. Like, they got Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray (um, retroactive spoiler alert) they couldn't afford Michael Cera? And when exactly did "not able to afford Michael Cera" become a thing anyway? I kind of assumed he would spend the rest of his career working for slices of pie on indie rom-coms. But speaking of Bill Murray....

Bill Murray- Yeah, the cameo was funny, but I think I would have liked it a whole lot better if the tough female lead hadn't suddenly gushed about how he had a "direct line to funny bone". For starters, do you really need to kiss Bill Murray's ass? There's only 82 minutes of film here, why spend any of it sucking up to one of your like 6 actors? Secondly, if you have to kiss his ass (in addition to Woody Harrelson kissing his ass, which was over the top and kind of funny) why did it have to be her? Why not the geeky male lead? That would have made more sense. And what were the odds of Bill Murray having a direct line to her funny bone anyway? Because I'm 30 years old and I don't know too many people my age who would actually say that. I mean, I wouldn't, and I'm probably a bigger Bill Murray fan than 98 percent of my generation.

Lack of zombie killing- It was my understanding that this movie was not just the ultimate zombie killing movie, but that it was wholly predicated on that action. No message on the evils of consumerism or science run amok or any of that shit. I thought this was supposed to be the ultimate movie about killing zombies. And the gory opening minutes seemed to bear that out. But then....very long stretches of time in which no zombies were even seen, much less killed. They found time to extensively trash a Native American gift shop though, which is not exactly what I paid to see.

Trailer for 2012- I broke my own rule, and came in during the middle of this trailer, so I'm not sure what the hell this was supposed to be about. They've made CGI movies about all the "good" natural disasters so now they're just saying "Screw it, the Earth is falling apart, or some shit"?

In summary, I give this movie two out of three disappointments.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Corollary to the previous post: I am seriously worried about the prospect of the Angels storming back, winning the ALCS and going on to win the World Series. I can barely stand to imagine the tidal wave of schmaltzy, feel good stories that our nations laziest sports writers and commentators have surely been saving up. "An angel was watching over the Angels!" "Everything all better, all wounds healed as Angels win World Series."

Oh God, does Jeanne Zeleasko still work for FOX Sports? I can only imagine what she would cook up during the on field post game interviews. "And as we go back to you guys in the booth, that's not rain falling on the field, it's Nick Adenhart crying tears of joy on his teammates below!"*

I can now think of only three good, viable outcomes for this whole affair.

1. The Yankees win the ALCS, and are swept in the World Series by the Phillies or Dodgers.

2. The Angels come back, beat the Yankees, then win the World Series which would be awesome both for them and Nick Adenhart's family. The media doesn't make a big, fat, hairy deal out of it, and lets the viewer recognize the weight and meaning behind the victory for ourselves because they respect our intelligence.

3. I am suddenly revealed to be the one true heir to all the thrones of Europe, inherit 100 billion dollars and never have to worry about things like baseball ever again.

At this point, I am pretty sure 3 is looking like the most possible of these options.

* I swear to God, she would actually say that shit. And if you've heard her before you know I'm not even exaggerating.

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I question if this actually happened.

So I'm watching the Yankees swarming their way to their first World Series title since 2000, in the process once again making their fans more insufferable than Red Sox fans, and it occurs to me that I'm having a hard time rooting for the Angels to stop them. And through absolutely no fault of their own. Who do I blame? TBS. Who broadcast the Divisional Series between the Angels and Red Sox, and have given us several poignant video packages on Nick Adenhart and the effect he has had on the Angels team.

Adenhart, if you don't know, was a promising young pitcher for the Angels who was killed, along with two others, by a drunk driver earlier in the season. He was just 22 years old. (Incidentally, a fourth passenger in Adenhart's car survived, despite suffering "internal decapitation". Which I believe is the most amazing thing anyone has ever accomplished, ever.) This obviously was a very sad and traumatic experience for the team, as described during one of the Red Sox-Angels games.

During said game, the announcers in the booth threw to one of the sideline reporters who did a quick piece on how the Angels coped with Adenhart's death. He said they came together and realized they had two options. He gave the first option they considered, then the second one. The second was that they could go out and try and win a championship in Adenhart's memory. Unsurprisingly, this was the option they selected. So what was the first option? Apparently, they could go out, "play out the rest of their games, not really caring if they won or lost" and "nobody would blame them for it." Uh, yeah? Really? I am very curious if that's how that team meeting actually went.

Torii Hunter: I think we should just go out there and play, like, whatever. I don't really care if we win or lose.

Jered Weaver: I agree. And I don't think anybody will blame us if we do.

Vlad Guerrero: (something in Spanish)

I mean, yeah I am sure it was very sad and disheartening and all, but did anybody seriously entertain the notion of just packing it in for the year? Or that "nobody would blame them" if they did? A franchise worth half a billion dollars, with a payroll of $113 million, playing in one of the largest media markets in the world, for fans who pay thousands of dollars for season tickets....and nobody would blame them if they just kinda played out the string for the rest of the year?

Seriously, a couple weeks of Juan Rivera slapping listlessly at pitches and Torii Hunter sighing dejectedly and jogging slowly after another line drive into the gap and the Woody Paige's of the world would be ranting and raving about how the Angels need to "cowboy up". And they would be right. And Woody Paige is never right.

So 'eff you TBS. You've made Woody Paige look correct in some alternate baseball universe and you made it hard for me to root against the Yankees. Eff you indeed.

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About Me

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Paralegal studies and a goldfish attention span are not a good mix.