Ten Years Too Soon

Finally, a site on the Internet where somebody complains about things! Usually the fact that criminal justice majors make me cringe.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I'm thankful for a dad who is still happy to help me fix furniture and diagnose my car ailments, despite me now being thirty.

I'm thankful for a mom who has supported me in everything I have ever wanted to do, even if I have a tendency to not finish it.

I'm thankful for a sister who is basically a female version of me, and who is therefore just about my best friend, and who I can talk to about anything.

I'm thankful for a brother in law who can put up with a female version of me.

I'm thankful for a nephew who idolizes me for reasons I have never been entirely clear on but am still grateful for.

I'm thankful for a niece who is easily enough entertained by me that I can make her scream with laughter just by making a Fisher Price man jump off a table and feel like a good uncle.

I'm thankful that for all my petty whining and complaining, life has yet to throw anything at me that I truly can't handle, and that my family continues to put up with me.

What are you thankful for?

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Not that anyone asked, but below is pretty much the extent of the external damage that deer inflicted on my car.

Yes, that is also the last earthly remnants of said deer embedded in the bumper. Is it grisly that I kept a few strands (and then lost them)? Hey, it's the closest thing I'll ever probably come to hunting.

Plus that deer did net me about a thousand bucks and a new starter for my car, all the expense of a few small cracks in the bumper. Some deer get their heads mounted over a rich guys fireplace. This one got a picture of a tuft of it's hair caught in my headlight posted on a blog read by four people.

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Do it for the kids!

A while back, on Facebook, I posited the theory that soccer was America's national charity. It was the gift we give to the rest of the world. I don't mean we invented it, I think it was invented by Irishmen or Aztecs or something. Rather, it is the one facet of life where we are willing to let down our total dominance and let other countries have a day in the sun.
When the US loses to Equatorial Guinea in the World Cup, it's not embarrassing. It's like when Tom Brady is playing touch football with his little nephews at Thanksgiving. He lets them tackle him, everybody has a warm laugh and the kids feel great. And Tom doesn't mind that he got got sacked in a meaningless little game, he's still got three Superbowl rings and a supermodel wife. (This theory may not apply to women's soccer as I'm told our team might actually win games, but honestly who has the time to find out?)

Now we've got the hub-bub over President Obama winning a Nobel Peace Prize after less than a year in office. I really don't care about any of that, but what does interest me is a thought that occurred during all the resulting arguing.

Apparently our national sports charity has an egghead equivalent too, so our countries brightest and most pretentious can join our fastest and floppiest in boosting the world's self esteem. I refer of course, to the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Consider: The Nobel prize for Literature has been awarded to 102 individuals. Of those, 9, or less than nine percent of the winners has been from the US. No American writer has won the award since 1993, when Toni Morrison beat down Ōe Kenzaburō in the Nobel Finals to take home the big gold statue. (Kenzaburō would get his revenge however, and win it all the very next year. Also, I may have embellished some details.)

In the years since, American writers have graciously stepped aside for such as luminaries as Dario Fo, author of The Devil with Boobs and Orgasmo Adulto Escapes from the Zoo, Gao Xingjian, who of course won for France and "V. S. Naipaul" who is obviously just made up.

This year, the award went to Herta Müller, whose works "refuses to let the inhumane side of life under communism be forgotten". That sounds very deserving, and I'm sure she's an amazing writer, but I think we all know if the prizes were being handed out on a level playing field, she would have been beaten out by a Cracked.com article on "Six Amazing Breasts That Are Also Knives".

Now, compare this to every other Nobel category. After picking up nine "Nobies" this year, the US has won 322 total Prizes. (Or 320, depending on which source I should. I'm sure not going to do the counting myself.) Economics? We've taken that bitch home 45 times. (So have the tea-taxing limeys, but I suspect that's because our shared language makes it easier for them to copy off of us.) Chemistry, 61 wins. Not even Madame Curie can push France past our total chemical domination. Physics? 85 Nobel Prizes. It's like we can just make up any shit we want, and they'll give us a prize for it. But the real kicker? The Nobel Prize for Medicine has gone to the sweet, sweet USA 93 times. Or, 91 more times than all of Africa and South America combined. Yeah, suck it developing world. You might win a Nobel Prize for Literature for your "haunting poems about growing up on a coconut farm and speaking truth to power" but we're reanimating dead corpses while you try and figure out how a Band-Aid works.

Hell, despite our apparent love of blowing shit up, we've still won the granddaddy of them all, the Prize for Peace 29 times. (Or, 29 times more than the savage barbarians of New Zealand and Portugal have.) In total, we've taken home over two hundred more medals than the second place United Kingdom. (Although nothing can take away from the fact that the Brits are a super bunch of guys who give it their all every time out!)Heck, even blatant homerism can't push Sweden past ten percent of our grand total. And the next time your Latvian buddies are going on and on about their folk songs that date back over a 1,000 years, ask them why they haven't won a Nobel Prize in 100 years. Then push them in the mud.

In summary, I'm not bothered by the narrow-minded bigotry and short sightedness of a pack of Eurotrash voters handing out a stupid book prize we didn't want anyway. And I'm definitely not bothered by President Obama's seemingly unlikely victory. I don't think he should decline it, as some have suggested. Hell, I think he should accept it, smile, turn around and throw it over his back, wedding bouquet style into the African delegation. "Remember! The one who catches it will be the next one to get a developed economy!"
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Friday, November 13, 2009

Thank you for clearing up that misconception!

So there was debate raging at my second home of sporcle.com over the veracity of a listing of the countries that imbibe the most alcohol per capita. (This is as close as I get to partying these days.)

It seems the big sticking point was the absence of Russia from the top 20. Lots of people simply refused to believe this was possible, and voiced their opinion on the subject because "everybody knows that Russians love to drink."

One Russian user took considerable exception to all this talk, and tried to set other users straight. As he explained it: "I am tired of hearing this talk about how much us Russians drink. It is just an ugly stereotype. If you ever come to Russia you will know that we aren't like that. Most people here are very poor and can not afford to drink all day. Please stop spreading these negative views because that is not what we are all like!"

Whew. I'm so glad I can now update my stereotype of Russians from "alcoholics" to "would like to be alcoholics, but are too poor to do it full time".

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Sunday, November 8, 2009

The only political post I will ever make on this blog

Like many twenty-somethings I spent the middle portion of this decade obsessed with politics. 9/11, the Iraq war, the Bush presidency in general, the explosion of the blogosphere, they all combined to create a perfect storm of intense political interest for me. Naturally though, after 4-5 years of talk radio, online forum trolling and hitting 'refresh' on Instapundit every 6 minutes, I got a little burned out. By the time McCain/Obama '08 rolled around, my attitude could largely be surmised as "OK, fine, just get it over with."

Not much has changed a year later. I'm largely indifferent to which party is actually in control right now; I've become far too self-centered and focused on my own problems to pay much attention to the bigger picture. Still, I couldn't help but notice this article a few days ago. The gist of it is, hardcore conservative activists (you've probably seen them at those Tea Party thingies everyone's been talking so much about) are planning to primary about a dozen high profile GOP candidates in 2010. All this in the wake of their great success in the NY-23 special election.

That's the race where conservative activists achieved great success when they pushed GOP nominee Dede Scozzafava (who judging from the picture above, I believe is a 19th century British sailor) out of the race. She then went on to endorse the Democratic candidate over the Conservative candidate, leading to the Democrats winning a congressional seat they hadn't even bothered running someone for as recently as 2002. I suppose in American politics, this actually does constitute a smashing success for third parties. They now plan to repeat this tactic across the country.

Now, like so many other disillusioned youths (I'm still young! I'm only 30!) I wouldn't mind seeing third parties become more viable in the US. And it's aught to me if conservatives (or liberals) want to shoot themselves in the foot, electorally. I just can't help but feel like conservatives are going to be slightly disappointed in the end results.

Consider it like this. Let's say you're a die-hard Philadelphia Phillies fan. You're watching your beloved Phils in the World Series against the hated Yankees. And you are deeply disappointed in the performance of Ryan Howard. He's supposed to be the centerpiece of your offense, but he just keeps striking out! What an MVPINO (Most Valuable Player in Name Only). So as a fan, what are your options? Well, I can think of three viable tactics.

1. Call in to every sports talk show you can, demanding Charlie Manuel replace Ryan Howard with a more conservative, I mean better hitter. Write frothing letters to the editor, even editors that have nothing to do with sports. Blog, poorly. Ignore the fact that whoever replaces Howard is unlikely to do any better.
The upside of this is that you get the satisfaction of venting your spleen, without having to do too much work. The downside is that you need plenty of like-minded allies to all do the same, lest you simply be dismissed as a crazy nut. And we all know that if there is one thing we don't stand for in American politics, I mean baseball, it's crazy nuts.

2. Begin a rigorous workout program to get yourself into world-class shape. Campaign the Phillies front office to give you a tryout, then deeply impress them with your raw ability once you get it. Enter the Phillies farm system and through years of hard work, sacrifice and dedication, become the organization's top first base prospect. Get called up to replace Howard in the World Series.
Upside: You've worked within in the system and now you will get the satisfaction of changing it for the better yourself. Not like that lazy, liberal strikeout machine Ryan Howard. Downside: This would be really, really hard. Also, you would need to bend the laws of time to make it happen.

3. The next time Ryan Howard comes to bat, jump onto the field, run into the opposite batters box, and start swinging at every pitch the Yankee pitcher throws. Clearly Howard cannot be trusted to power this team's offense anymore, so take matters into your own hands. Granted, Howard will be so distracted it will probably just make things worse for him, and by extension, better for the Yankees, but somebody has to do something, damnit. Also, I'm not sure why the umpire is allowing this, but ignore that lest my analogy fall completely apart.
The upside: You look so cool to your fellow hardcore Phillies fans. And you sent a message to those fatcat, overpaid, latte-sipping, alleged "All Stars". Hit a home run in every at bat or we will destroy you!
The downside: The Yankees just won the World Series and passed universal health care.

Is this topical? I don't even remember what I was trying to say when I made it.

In summary, the smartest thing for conservatives to do would be to enjoy watching politics on TV, make some trades to strengthen their bench in New England and recognize that you can't castigate someone solely on the small sample size of a single playoff series. I think. I kind of lost the thread of what I was talking about here.

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Saturday, November 7, 2009


Ever wonder where the delicious taste of those breadsticks from a certain red-roofed pizza company comes from? Well thanks to the magic of camera phones, now you know.

Buttery Flavored Oil. It's practically butter!™

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Friday, November 6, 2009

Not Tim Lincecum!

In the least surprising baseball news since "Goddam Fucking Yankees Win Another World Series" Tim Lincecum has apparently been caught smoking pot.


According to reports, Lincecum was busted for possession while driving-

An officer approached Lincecum's 2006 Mercedes and smelled marijuana as the pitcher rolled down his window. Schatzel said Lincecum immediately complied with a request to hand over the drug and a marijuana pipe from the car's center console.

For me, the most surprising part of this whole story is that Tim Lincecum drives a 2006 Mercedes. You would think the best left handed pitcher in baseball (to hell with Johann Santana, the dirty, New York-going to traitor) could afford to drive a 2010. I mean, he even did that one commercial, for that one video game.

The best part of the story though is the police spokesman describing how much pot he was caught with-

"It's not really out of the ordinary. It happens every day," Schatzel said of the volume of marijuana Lincecum handed over. "It was about the size of a thumb, the whole thumb."

That is a beautiful description. In every drug bust story from now on, I want the police to use body part comparisons to say how much contraband they seized.

"The FBI today raided an abandoned warehouse in Fresno, breaking up a major drug smuggling operation. A spokesman for the Bureau said they seized "at least sixteen legs of heroin. Whole legs, mind you."

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

I'd settle for a modern laundry room

Back to looking for apartments in St. Paul. I happened across one that seems to offer a...unique service.

Is this one of those aspects of city life I am just going to have to adjust to? At least I'll have somewhere to store my bike.

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Friday, October 30, 2009

Just once....

Not every time, but once, I would like to listen to a baseball game on AM radio and not hear the thing where the local station goes to an ad break, and plays commercials over the ESPN update. Really, just once I would like to hear this happen.

"And after five innings, we're tied 3-3. Back after this."

"Did you know that since 1954, Grundlemeyer Seed and Compost has been putting..."

"....Coach Jim Zorn in the hot seat, after remarks that the teams cheerleading squad should..."

"....buy nine tacos and get the tenth taco for just...."

"....145 million dollars over seven years. Yankees management say the corpse of Don Drysdale should..."

".....bring charm and class to your bathroom for a reasonable price. And don't worry if..."

"...Mark Prior's arm is now reportedly hanging from the elbow by a single ligament following a botched surgery by...."

"...a new, full sized corn thresher, which can be yours for just..."

"....batteries, hot dogs and several pounds of fish. Phillies left fielder Raul Ibanez said Yankees fans also threw..."

"...valuable coupons for Liquor Mart. That's right, erase the crippling worries of today's troubled economy when you are..."

"...named Major League Baseball's Man of the Year, thanks to...."

"....more than thirty years of experience hunting and killing rodents. Let our family of trained weasels..."

"...build a brand new retractable-roof stadium, to replace last year's stadium, or they would move the team to..."

"....the darkest, most haunted corners of your soul. Come to First Presbelutheran Church and hear the true word of God and his plan for...."

"....Alex Rodriguez being a great big pussy. Rodriguez responded by..."

"...replacing your worn out brake pads just in time for winter. And now..."

"...back to the game..."

Actually on second thought, I hope that keeps happening.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Now I remember why I hate watching post-season baseball on FOX

While interviewing the Phillies pitching coach, one of the announcers described Game 2 starter Pedro Martinez as a "legitimate guy". So I guess it's good to know there won't be a cardboard cutout on the mound for the Phils tomorrow.

Also, Cliff Lee was described as having a "face dripping with confidence".

Whenever I read about a World Series played in the 50's or so, the games are always described as having been played on a "crisp Autumn day". I long to see a World Series game played in "crisp" weather. I can't remember the last time I saw an East coast game that wasn't dark, cold and rainy. I guess that's what happens when you have a World Series that now wraps up after November elections.

On the plus side, Cliff Lee's insanely nonchalant catch might have been the funniest thing I have ever seen in a baseball game.

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The problem with being me

Do you have one of Those Guys at work? You know That Guy? He casually drops an n-bomb into conversation about what's on the radio, or tells President Obama jokes that make you squirm just a bit too much.

Well, I'm not one of those guys. I swear! I have come to the conclusion that I am far too unfocused and thick to be one of those guys. I don't think I've ever said anything truly racist/sexist/malicious, but my myopic inability to read a room leads to my share of awkward moments. Long, drawn out, train crash like awkward moments.

For example, there's a a few Nepalese guys I work with, who are also studying at SCSU. Being me, these are the kinds of conversations I will have.

Me: So, Nepal, huh?

Perfectly nice Nepalese guy who is probably studying to be an engineer or pilot or something: Yep.

Me: So uh, if I needed to climb a mountain you could help me with that?


Me: But if I wanted to keep a royal family alive, I would probably want to go elsewhere, huh?


Me: (covering face with hands) I don't know! I was just trying to talk about things I thought you would be interested in!

Fortunately, when you're big and goofy looking, people tend to be forgiving. In that sense, as far as being That Guy at work, I'm pretty much Kevin from The Office.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

OK, quick rider to completely undermine the point of my whining in the previous post.

The year is 1986. I'm in the second grade at Lone Tree Elementary at Beale Air Force Base in California. We had a guest speaker that day, who told us all about goals in life. Specifically realistic and unrealistic goals.

At the end, she went around the room and had us all say what we wanted to be when we grew up. So, this being mere a classroom on a military base, mere months after Top Gun came out, you can guess what pretty much every single boy in the class said. As she went around the room, one kid after another cheerfully replied "F-14 fighter pilot!" to which she would smile, nod and say "OK" before going on to the next kid. But when it got to me I stood up and excitedly said "Major league baseball player!"

Without even missing a beat she calmly said "That's an unrealistic goal." and went on to the next kid.

So there. That's the reason I never made it to the major leagues. Not the fact that the last time I played baseball was when I was 12 and even then my primary method of getting on base was sticking my head in the strike zone. (Though that may explain some other things.)

In any case, suitably chastised, the next time we did such an exercise I lamely replied "marine biologist" or something because that's what the girl ahead of me said. I had learned my lesson. Dreaming is only for fools.

(Also, at any given point in the baseball season there are 750 players on major league rosters. How many F-14 pilots are there? Seriously, do you know? Because I bet it's less than that. The evil wench.)

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Monday, October 26, 2009

All your dreams will come true with COTTON

One of the advantages of not having cable (and never having bothered to get one of those converter boxes) is that I watch the few shows I care about online, without much commercial interruption. One of the disadvantages is that if the sponsor of said show is particularly irritating than the few commercial breaks can be just as tiresome.

Such is the case with The Office, which is frequently sponsored by Cotton, and their "Fabric of Our Lives" campaign. In one particular spot, a singer by the name of Jazmine Sullivan warbles a song which starts off about dreams and I guess ties into cotton eventually. I'm not sure, I usually zone out and do a quick Sporcle quiz during the breaks. In any case, it begins like so:

They said it was only a dream/
That dreaming was only for fools

OK, stop right there. Who? Who says that? In the 21st century what authority figures are still saying you shouldn't follow your dreams? I thought the whole problem with The Kids Today was that they have been gradually infused with super-self-esteem, and have come to believe that they are inordinately special and infallible. This isn't 1905 anymore. We don't see this scenario played out.

Child: Mother, father, I yearn to someday be a professional singer and have a song that peaks at 31 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Father: No. Your career options are coal mine and dying of consumption. Now, go clean the wheat field or whatever it is we do in 1905.

Also, is cotton the only natural resource that has it's own ad campaign? Like, I've never seen "Bauxite: There Must Be Something This Is Used For" or "Oil: Let's Just See You Try And Live Without It, Bitches".

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Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Being Tall

Pro- You can easily retrieve items from most tall shelves.

Con- Once you have demonstrated that ability, short people will assume you can do anything. A co-worker once asked me if I could pull down a box that was on a shelf about 6 feet above my head. I politely informed her I was tall, not Inspector Gadget.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009


Saw Zombieland this week. I don't think I've read a negative review of the movie yet, and seemingly everyone in my age bracket is in love with it. I actually wasn't that impressed. Here's a quick rundown why-

It was short- 82 minutes, not even half an hour! Even at matinee prices I demand at least two hours from my movies. Otherwise, what's the point of getting vested in it?

Jesse Eisenberg- I'm sure everyone else has pointed this out, but it's really hard to watch this guy and not notice how bad he's trying to be Michael Cera. Like, they got Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray (um, retroactive spoiler alert) they couldn't afford Michael Cera? And when exactly did "not able to afford Michael Cera" become a thing anyway? I kind of assumed he would spend the rest of his career working for slices of pie on indie rom-coms. But speaking of Bill Murray....

Bill Murray- Yeah, the cameo was funny, but I think I would have liked it a whole lot better if the tough female lead hadn't suddenly gushed about how he had a "direct line to funny bone". For starters, do you really need to kiss Bill Murray's ass? There's only 82 minutes of film here, why spend any of it sucking up to one of your like 6 actors? Secondly, if you have to kiss his ass (in addition to Woody Harrelson kissing his ass, which was over the top and kind of funny) why did it have to be her? Why not the geeky male lead? That would have made more sense. And what were the odds of Bill Murray having a direct line to her funny bone anyway? Because I'm 30 years old and I don't know too many people my age who would actually say that. I mean, I wouldn't, and I'm probably a bigger Bill Murray fan than 98 percent of my generation.

Lack of zombie killing- It was my understanding that this movie was not just the ultimate zombie killing movie, but that it was wholly predicated on that action. No message on the evils of consumerism or science run amok or any of that shit. I thought this was supposed to be the ultimate movie about killing zombies. And the gory opening minutes seemed to bear that out. But then....very long stretches of time in which no zombies were even seen, much less killed. They found time to extensively trash a Native American gift shop though, which is not exactly what I paid to see.

Trailer for 2012- I broke my own rule, and came in during the middle of this trailer, so I'm not sure what the hell this was supposed to be about. They've made CGI movies about all the "good" natural disasters so now they're just saying "Screw it, the Earth is falling apart, or some shit"?

In summary, I give this movie two out of three disappointments.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Corollary to the previous post: I am seriously worried about the prospect of the Angels storming back, winning the ALCS and going on to win the World Series. I can barely stand to imagine the tidal wave of schmaltzy, feel good stories that our nations laziest sports writers and commentators have surely been saving up. "An angel was watching over the Angels!" "Everything all better, all wounds healed as Angels win World Series."

Oh God, does Jeanne Zeleasko still work for FOX Sports? I can only imagine what she would cook up during the on field post game interviews. "And as we go back to you guys in the booth, that's not rain falling on the field, it's Nick Adenhart crying tears of joy on his teammates below!"*

I can now think of only three good, viable outcomes for this whole affair.

1. The Yankees win the ALCS, and are swept in the World Series by the Phillies or Dodgers.

2. The Angels come back, beat the Yankees, then win the World Series which would be awesome both for them and Nick Adenhart's family. The media doesn't make a big, fat, hairy deal out of it, and lets the viewer recognize the weight and meaning behind the victory for ourselves because they respect our intelligence.

3. I am suddenly revealed to be the one true heir to all the thrones of Europe, inherit 100 billion dollars and never have to worry about things like baseball ever again.

At this point, I am pretty sure 3 is looking like the most possible of these options.

* I swear to God, she would actually say that shit. And if you've heard her before you know I'm not even exaggerating.

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I question if this actually happened.

So I'm watching the Yankees swarming their way to their first World Series title since 2000, in the process once again making their fans more insufferable than Red Sox fans, and it occurs to me that I'm having a hard time rooting for the Angels to stop them. And through absolutely no fault of their own. Who do I blame? TBS. Who broadcast the Divisional Series between the Angels and Red Sox, and have given us several poignant video packages on Nick Adenhart and the effect he has had on the Angels team.

Adenhart, if you don't know, was a promising young pitcher for the Angels who was killed, along with two others, by a drunk driver earlier in the season. He was just 22 years old. (Incidentally, a fourth passenger in Adenhart's car survived, despite suffering "internal decapitation". Which I believe is the most amazing thing anyone has ever accomplished, ever.) This obviously was a very sad and traumatic experience for the team, as described during one of the Red Sox-Angels games.

During said game, the announcers in the booth threw to one of the sideline reporters who did a quick piece on how the Angels coped with Adenhart's death. He said they came together and realized they had two options. He gave the first option they considered, then the second one. The second was that they could go out and try and win a championship in Adenhart's memory. Unsurprisingly, this was the option they selected. So what was the first option? Apparently, they could go out, "play out the rest of their games, not really caring if they won or lost" and "nobody would blame them for it." Uh, yeah? Really? I am very curious if that's how that team meeting actually went.

Torii Hunter: ....so I think we should just go out there and play, like, whatever. I don't really care if we win or lose.

Jered Weaver: I agree. And I don't think anybody will blame us if we do.

Vlad Guerrero: (something in Spanish)

I mean, yeah I am sure it was very sad and disheartening and all, but did anybody seriously entertain the notion of just packing it in for the year? Or that "nobody would blame them" if they did? A franchise worth half a billion dollars, with a payroll of $113 million, playing in one of the largest media markets in the world, for fans who pay thousands of dollars for season tickets....and nobody would blame them if they just kinda played out the string for the rest of the year?

Seriously, a couple weeks of Juan Rivera slapping listlessly at pitches and Torii Hunter sighing dejectedly and jogging slowly after another line drive into the gap and the Woody Paige's of the world would be ranting and raving about how the Angels need to "cowboy up". And they would be right. And Woody Paige is never right.

So 'eff you TBS. You've made Woody Paige look correct in some alternate baseball universe and you made it hard for me to root against the Yankees. Eff you indeed.

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Because you were all wondering

I just got off break from school, which is why I haven't posted much lately. Not because of my sheer laziness, really, I just didn't have anything to discuss. Fortunately, after two days of classes I think I might have some real good prospects for future material.

Until then, the highlight of the week-old semester may have been my American Legal Systems professor discussing an intense, pre-test study session back in college with her future husband and a male friend, who she described as "the two guys who crammed me". Hee.

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Living here is nice, except for having to step over the rubble.

Hurry, rent this apartment before it falls into total decay. Come on, what the hell is happening in the kitchen there? And those closet doors don't seem to be partially open, I think they have MS.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Avant Garde Floorplans?

How can I find out what the living spaces are like at Seasons on the Hill Apartments?

Ohh, that clears it up. I assume the ovals are portals that take me from one room to the next. But what could that rectangle in the upper right hand corner of the living room be? A radiator? Gun cabinet? A giant block of cheddar? (If it is, SOLD!)

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Now let's talk about excessive force laws...

Castle Doctrine is the legal concept that when in one's own home, you are entitled to use deadly force to resist violent intrusion. Laws vary by state, but there typically has to at least be the presence of the threat of serious danger in order to use that deadly force.

Unless you're some of the people I have class with. Like criminal justice majors.

Instructor: So when is it acceptable to use deadly force in relation to the Castle Doctrine?

CJ Major: When somebody comes into your house without your permission.

Instructor: Soooo....if the neighbor kids throws his ball on your roof, and goes up to get it you could shoot him?

CJ Major: Well....yeah, I mean, you can. It's just frowned upon.

I suppose he's at least half right. Shooting kids who wander on to your property is generally "frowned upon".

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

I guess it's FOX, if you want to get specific

Just checking the keyword hits from my old, old blog. In between the usual "harold dieterle gay?" and "what noise does nixon make in futurama" hits, I saw this one:

who has a group of cooks shouting yes, chef on the hit show hells kitchen?

I believe you may be thinking of the hit show, Hells Kitchen.

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Friday, June 19, 2009

For those times I need cheering up....

If watching a midget in a gorilla suit get dropkicked into a dudes face is wrong, then damn it, I am wrong, wrong, wrong, and I love it.

This video has a horrible, hypnotic hold on me. If I see it once, I have to watch it at least twenty times through. It's a midget! In a gorilla suit! Getting kicked into somebody's face! What could possibly be more enthralling?

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Sometimes massage therapy majors make me cringe too

I have a Medical Terminology class I share with students in a number of other majors. (I'm the only law person in it) In this particular class, at the end of the semester you may drop your lowest homework and quiz scores from your final total. Earlier this week, while discussing the upcoming final exam, a Massage Therapy student had this to ask:

Instructor: .....so be sure to be ready for the exam on Tuesday. Questions?

MT Major: When will we pick which quiz and homework score we want dropped?

Instructor: .......Ummmmmmmmm.

It was amazing. He was just utterly gobsmacked. And I didn't even have a fellow paralegal student to exchange patronizing, smug grins with.

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm just assuming he was a CJ major

Here's a tip for any prospective college students out there, concerning class etiquette. If you're eating a foot long submarine sandwich in the middle of class, and you suddenly drop it on the floor, yell out:

"Aah, goddamn my sandwich."

The placement of the comma is crucial here. Really demand that God condemn your sandwich to an eternity of hellfire and brimstone for the sin of getting dropped on the floor by you. And make sure everybody knows it.

This tip has been brought to you by the CJ Majors I Have Class With Every Goddamn Day.

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Yeah, it's a party now!

While listening to the radio today-

"KOOL 108! Playing the songs that make you feel good!


A winters day/ In a deep and dark December...."

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

Now THAT would be worth advertising

Ad from my Facebook feed-

Sorry there 15th Century Mayan Indian, I don't know why you're looking for me but I can't help you with your conquistador problem.

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Friday, June 5, 2009

Look, if it wasn't one, then it's the other

Legal Terminology class. Our instructor passes back a recent quiz, and begins going over the answers, starting with the True/False questions.

Instructor: OK, number one, is true. Number two, is true. Number three, is false. Number four, is false. Number five....

Girl I assume is a CJ major: Wait, wait! Stop! You're going too fast! I can't write down the answers!

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Monday, June 1, 2009

Is this topic on the syllabus?

Just to point out that yes, paralegal students sometimes say less than brilliant things during class-

During a discussion on product liability:

Instructor: Now, let's say I go into Best Buy...

Paralegal student: Oooh, good store!

Instructor: Um. Right.

And I don't mean he whispered it under his breath, as though he was so excited by hearing about Best Buy that he had to quickly remind himself how awesome the store was. No, the clear intention was "Hey everybody in class, this is my relevant opinion of Best Buy I'd like to share with you."

Why can't everyone be as flawless as me?

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Monday, May 25, 2009

Perhaps I would liketo meet this person

I was posting a link here on Facebook, as I am desperate for attention from my 144 friends. The validating words I had to type in to include the link? "Miss secreter".

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About Me

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Paralegal studies and a goldfish attention span are not a good mix.