Finally, a site on the Internet where somebody complains about things! Usually the fact that criminal justice majors make me cringe.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Will You Be Here Tomorrow? Companion Reader

If you enjoyed those charming Canadian PSA's of people falling through display cases and scalding themselves in hot oil, you'll love Will You Be Here Tomorrow? Read along with me as we explore the horrors of work safety circa 1977.

0:10 This music is pretty chipper for a company who's logo is guy with a broken arm, broken leg and a face that appears to have been smoothed off in a belt sander.

0:13 Copyright 1998??? Really? Because it looks to me like the cast of an 80's sitcom reminiscing over the times when they weren't constantly being slaughtered by improbable industrial accidents.

0:34 I guess this guy didn't think about what could happen if he stood right in a garbage compactor.

0:50 Warning: Stacking a ladder on top of a bunch of wooden pallets for an extra eight inches of lift may result in crash test dummies falling from the sky.

0:58 They don't show you the other part of that incident, where the canister Mr. Beard casually threw over the side landed on the head of a passing orphan.

1:04 You're looking awful smug about pounding in that nail there guy. I hope your hubris doesn't catch up with in a...

1:10 ....horribly improbable nail in the eye. OK, it just did. (However, that scene desperately needed an escalating crane shot while he fell to his knees and screamed "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy???"

1:25 Wait, where those two vignettes supposed to be related? Or was the moral of the second one "Don't be caught in random, out-of-nowhere explosions, dumbass"?

1:35 OK, there are undiscovered tribes of Amazon rain forest pygmies that know more about manufacturing than me, but if you asked "Is it a good idea to calibrate a lathe while it's spinning?" I would say "No, probably not, I guess. Are you retarded, I think? Maybe?"

1:45 The sleeve on my favorite shirt is ruined!

1:51 The driver is looking right at her! He's smiling about it, the sick son of a bitch!

2:15 HOLY SHIT, awesome move guy! And don't feel bad about the aftermath, not too many people would be willing to take a Death Rocket to the face for their boss. (Plus, if he had time to take his glasses off in between seeing the rocket and getting hit with it, he had time to get out of the damned way.)

2:36 Look at the way this guy is constantly looking around. 23 years in this factory has taught him that at any moment a lion might drive a steamroller through a wall and knock him into the vat of exploding rusty nails.

2:43 "If you come to this job at all, you're gonna get hurt. And by hurt I mean vivisected."

2:58 Who the hell was that guy at the beginning and what was that switch he threw? Notice how they didn't show his face. I'm beginning to be suspicious of just how accidental these "accidents" are. And remember, when a coworker is injured on the job, the first thing you should do is shake their neck vigorously to wake them up.

3:05 OK, watch the forklift driver here. "Wheeeeeeeeee!"

3:18 Chill out, I'm sure you can pick up some overtime cleaning up the blood around here. It must be up to your ankles by now.

3:27 Oh, that was your own fault for putting your hand back in there!

3:32 "But I did get these great prosthetic maimed fingers!"

3:35 I love that it suddenly throws to a kicky steel drum musical montage. "'Ey mon! True rasta no exceed recommended weight allowance while making tight turns, jah seen?"

3:59 Aaah! A caveman! Seriously, his face is like a black hole, no light escapes it. Don't worry though old man, I'm pretty sure nobody can get comfortable around that place.

4:12 8 years huh? I bet he's still got a majority of his original limbs, the cocky bastard.

4:30 And ultimately, we come full circle as the Random Factory is blown up by a guy welding. You just know this place had to be in some jerk-off small town in Maine and all the pieces of equipment were possessed by cosmic beings of unspeakable doom from another dimension and the souls of condemned killers. If you get my drift.

See, this is why I left the violently dangerous cooking industry and went into paralegal. Though knowing my luck, my first day on the job I'll staple my eyeball to a bear.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Hee hee. Staple your eyeball to a bear. That's funny. And apparently probable if this film is to be believed. If gently stepping off a ladder can result in your finger getting ripped off then I am afraid to leave the house or even get off the couch.

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Paralegal studies and a goldfish attention span are not a good mix.