Zombieland

Saw Zombieland this week. I don't think I've read a negative review of the movie yet, and seemingly everyone in my age bracket is in love with it. I actually wasn't that impressed. Here's a quick rundown why-

It was short- 82 minutes, not even half an hour! Even at matinee prices I demand at least two hours from my movies. Otherwise, what's the point of getting vested in it?

Jesse Eisenberg- I'm sure everyone else has pointed this out, but it's really hard to watch this guy and not notice how bad he's trying to be Michael Cera. Like, they got Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray (um, retroactive spoiler alert) they couldn't afford Michael Cera? And when exactly did "not able to afford Michael Cera" become a thing anyway? I kind of assumed he would spend the rest of his career working for slices of pie on indie rom-coms. But speaking of Bill Murray....

Bill Murray- Yeah, the cameo was funny, but I think I would have liked it a whole lot better if the tough female lead hadn't suddenly gushed about how he had a "direct line to funny bone". For starters, do you really need to kiss Bill Murray's ass? There's only 82 minutes of film here, why spend any of it sucking up to one of your like 6 actors? Secondly, if you have to kiss his ass (in addition to Woody Harrelson kissing his ass, which was over the top and kind of funny) why did it have to be her? Why not the geeky male lead? That would have made more sense. And what were the odds of Bill Murray having a direct line to her funny bone anyway? Because I'm 30 years old and I don't know too many people my age who would actually say that. I mean, I wouldn't, and I'm probably a bigger Bill Murray fan than 98 percent of my generation.

Lack of zombie killing- It was my understanding that this movie was not just the ultimate zombie killing movie, but that it was wholly predicated on that action. No message on the evils of consumerism or science run amok or any of that shit. I thought this was supposed to be the ultimate movie about killing zombies. And the gory opening minutes seemed to bear that out. But then....very long stretches of time in which no zombies were even seen, much less killed. They found time to extensively trash a Native American gift shop though, which is not exactly what I paid to see.

Trailer for 2012- I broke my own rule, and came in during the middle of this trailer, so I'm not sure what the hell this was supposed to be about. They've made CGI movies about all the "good" natural disasters so now they're just saying "Screw it, the Earth is falling apart, or some shit"?

In summary, I give this movie two out of three disappointments.

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