Finally, a site on the Internet where somebody complains about things! Usually the fact that criminal justice majors make me cringe.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Floor plan by Timmy, age 6

Not so sure if I'll be checking in to this particular apartment, as among other things, there definitely appears to be something wrong with the kitchen. The stove (I think) is collapsing in on itself, the cabinet(?) next to is bulging out, and whatever the hell it is that's next to that seems to be rolling it's eyes in exasperation at the whole affair.

Also the toilet has a tumor.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Note to the below: I've clearly been at this too long because I just looked at a complex on the map called Lexington Gardens and I read it, like three times, as Sexington Gardens.
I was pretty ready to break my lease.

I guess maybe they just wander around the halls and everybody can pet them?

I'm apartment hunting for a possible, theoretical move to the Twin Cities area. One apartment complex I looked at lists this under it's 'amenities' section.

-Cat Friendly Community Pets

What exactly am I to take from that?

Just once

Not every time, but once, I would like to look up something in my medical dictionary and not pass by the entry (with full color photo of course) for 'prolapsed hemorrhoids'.

Also, I just wanted to look up 'coagulants'. Was it really necessary to include a photo of the possible worst case negative symptoms they could have specifically on the human wang?

Finally, why is that every time the instructor brings up a term like 'colostomy' someone has to not only define it but keep talking about it way past the point of necessity? I was going to say it's always a non-trad student but fuck, I just remembered I'm a non-trad student now. So all the kids in my classes probably hate. At least in my case it's because I blow the curve on all the tests and not because I constantly relate every topic in class to lengthy stories on the stresses of picking up my kids from school.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The goggles do nothing!

While planning my path to a paralegal degree, I figured that branching out into multiple related fields would help my future employment prospects. For example, taking certain medical classes might aid me when dealing with cases involving say, worker compensations suits.

What I had forgotten was an unceasing tomb of horror a medical dictionary can be. I'll just be doing a little homework, happily leafing through it, looking for information on electrocardiograms and suddenly HELLO I AM A FULL COLOR HALF PAGE PICTURE OF AN INFLAMED PUS FILLED VAGINA.

"Hello" I say back to it. "Say, would you like my sex drive? I shan't be needing it anymore."

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Facebook is getting too personal

From an (apparently urgent)Facebook notification I received this morning. Name of friend has been anagram-ized for the protection of the possibly innocent.

"Crayon Merman compared some friends for Tools. Check out your result!"

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Will You Be Here Tomorrow? Companion Reader

If you enjoyed those charming Canadian PSA's of people falling through display cases and scalding themselves in hot oil, you'll love Will You Be Here Tomorrow? Read along with me as we explore the horrors of work safety circa 1977.

0:10 This music is pretty chipper for a company who's logo is guy with a broken arm, broken leg and a face that appears to have been smoothed off in a belt sander.

0:13 Copyright 1998??? Really? Because it looks to me like the cast of an 80's sitcom reminiscing over the times when they weren't constantly being slaughtered by improbable industrial accidents.

0:34 I guess this guy didn't think about what could happen if he stood right in a garbage compactor.

0:50 Warning: Stacking a ladder on top of a bunch of wooden pallets for an extra eight inches of lift may result in crash test dummies falling from the sky.

0:58 They don't show you the other part of that incident, where the canister Mr. Beard casually threw over the side landed on the head of a passing orphan.

1:04 You're looking awful smug about pounding in that nail there guy. I hope your hubris doesn't catch up with in a...

1:10 ....horribly improbable nail in the eye. OK, it just did. (However, that scene desperately needed an escalating crane shot while he fell to his knees and screamed "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy???"

1:25 Wait, where those two vignettes supposed to be related? Or was the moral of the second one "Don't be caught in random, out-of-nowhere explosions, dumbass"?

1:35 OK, there are undiscovered tribes of Amazon rain forest pygmies that know more about manufacturing than me, but if you asked "Is it a good idea to calibrate a lathe while it's spinning?" I would say "No, probably not, I guess. Are you retarded, I think? Maybe?"

1:45 The sleeve on my favorite shirt is ruined!

1:51 The driver is looking right at her! He's smiling about it, the sick son of a bitch!

2:15 HOLY SHIT, awesome move guy! And don't feel bad about the aftermath, not too many people would be willing to take a Death Rocket to the face for their boss. (Plus, if he had time to take his glasses off in between seeing the rocket and getting hit with it, he had time to get out of the damned way.)

2:36 Look at the way this guy is constantly looking around. 23 years in this factory has taught him that at any moment a lion might drive a steamroller through a wall and knock him into the vat of exploding rusty nails.

2:43 "If you come to this job at all, you're gonna get hurt. And by hurt I mean vivisected."

2:58 Who the hell was that guy at the beginning and what was that switch he threw? Notice how they didn't show his face. I'm beginning to be suspicious of just how accidental these "accidents" are. And remember, when a coworker is injured on the job, the first thing you should do is shake their neck vigorously to wake them up.

3:05 OK, watch the forklift driver here. "Wheeeeeeeeee!"

3:18 Chill out, I'm sure you can pick up some overtime cleaning up the blood around here. It must be up to your ankles by now.

3:27 Oh, that was your own fault for putting your hand back in there!

3:32 "But I did get these great prosthetic maimed fingers!"

3:35 I love that it suddenly throws to a kicky steel drum musical montage. "'Ey mon! True rasta no exceed recommended weight allowance while making tight turns, jah seen?"

3:59 Aaah! A caveman! Seriously, his face is like a black hole, no light escapes it. Don't worry though old man, I'm pretty sure nobody can get comfortable around that place.

4:12 8 years huh? I bet he's still got a majority of his original limbs, the cocky bastard.

4:30 And ultimately, we come full circle as the Random Factory is blown up by a guy welding. You just know this place had to be in some jerk-off small town in Maine and all the pieces of equipment were possessed by cosmic beings of unspeakable doom from another dimension and the souls of condemned killers. If you get my drift.

See, this is why I left the violently dangerous cooking industry and went into paralegal. Though knowing my luck, my first day on the job I'll staple my eyeball to a bear.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Keyword Olio

Much like the pubic hairs in my bathroom sink drain, search terms accumulate over the span of a couple months, and I'm not really sure why they're there. Let's take a look. (At the keywords, not the pubic hair.)

love your baby girl lyrics analysis "remember what your knees are for"
Don't get excited, she's just praying. Maybe praying she doesn't have to give too many more blowjobs to get ahead in Nashville, but still praying.

meaning of the song we rode in trucks
In the past, we traveled in trucks.

sitting on a bench in west town mall he sat down in his overalls and asked me
I assume this person was trying to find the name of the song "Waiting on a Woman", but given that ought to be really easy to discern from even a casual listening, I'd like to think there is something entirely different going on here. Like this guy was sitting at the mall when an old man sat down next to him and asked him if this boil looked infected. And he wasn't sure how to handle the situation so he tried Googling it but got grossed out halfway through and quit. Yeah, that would be better.

tim mcgraw songs cancer bullet for the kids
I might take a bullet for the kids, but a cancer bullet? I don't know.

country song about meeting in a bar and cancer
Your search has returned 650,000,000 results.

country song about losing virginity in a car under the stars
Is prom season coming up? Because I gotta tell you, that probably won't work as mood music.

hoho blah blah george strait
Pretty much my reaction to him too.

country song redone by british
Goddam limeys. Not enough they tax our tea, but now they're covering David Allen Coe? I bet it will come out all moody and atonal. And when one of the characters dies of cancer everyone will just act slightly put out and make droll observations.

for your country precious child take a bullet

Hmmm, if we were just to rearrange and add in a bit of punctuation-

take a bullet for your country, precious child!

Now that's a song I'd like to hear!

where is the west town mall mentioned in brad paisley's song
Tip: Now that the filming of his video is over, Brad Paisley is rarely found on benches in West Town Mall.

I'm a hot little number in my pick-up truck,daddy's sweet money dun jacked it up!
I believe you, you don't have to yell!

fat man in overalls singing a country song


Back again, naturally

I've moved my dozens of posts from my last blog here, and I gotta say, I am loving the stripped down Fire Joe Morgan style layout. Now to see if I will actually use this one.

Title refers to the fact that every major event of my adult life seems to have happened ten years before I was ready for it.

About Me

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Paralegal studies and a goldfish attention span are not a good mix.